Our Church

Today at church our pastor mentioned two interesting statistics. The first was, 7 out of 10 Canadians believe that Jesus is the Son of God, that He died on the cross for our sins and was raised from the grave. I must say I was a bit shocked that the number was even that high. The second statistic was that only 2 out 10 Canadians regularly attend church. That number simply saddened me. It got me thinking about my journey to our amazing church.

Once I accepted Jesus into my life and opened my Bible I became more and more convicted that, once I was discharged from the psych ward, we needed to find a church that we could commit to and grow with. So I began praying. I asked our Heavenly Father to guide me to the church that He knew was best for our family. I prayed for a church that supported families and welcomed children and that it would be a  “healthy church”. I put “healthy church” in quotes because I had no idea what that meant or why I was praying for it – it was simply put onto my lips. So there I was waiting and listening for God to show me the way to the church He had planned for me.

A few days later I was talking with my nurse, a nurse that was only assigned to me twice during twelve-weeks of hospitalization, and I just happened to mention that I was looking for a family-friendly church. She began to tell me that she was attending a church close to my home that had a wonderful children’s program. So, I tucked that information into the back of my mind and kept my heart open to other possibilities (in our community there is pretty much a church on every corner!). But nothing else was really coming forth. On the Sunday after I was discharged, my husband and I were debating between two churches – the one mentioned by the nurse and another that a friend attended. We decided to try the nurse’s recommendation.

Now I will say that for new-believers walking into a new church is an incredibly scary and overwhelming process. You feel as if you are wearing a giant “N” around your neck. You feel like everyone around you knows everything and you know nothing. You feel completely and utterly out of place. However, the moment I walked through the door of our church I was filled with such an incredible sense of peace – I instantly felt at home – I was where God wanted me.

We were greeted by one of the children’s pastors whose love for Jesus shines so brightly. She helped make all four of us feel so comfortable. When we walked into the sanctuary seeing that the two back rows were reserved for “families with young children”, I further relaxed – at least they recognized that my kids probably were going to fidget and squirm, which helped lower my anxiety. When the worship team began singing, each song was one I had repeatedly heard on the radio station (the only radio station) I could get while I was in the hospital. During the break between worship and the sermon our children went into their Sunday school classes like fish to water and we got to enjoy a free specialty drink from the coffee bar (something so simple, but honestly when you know no one, waiting for a coffee makes you feel a little less lost). Then the sermon began and the series was titled “The Emotionally Healthy Christian”. When I heard that title my jaw literally dropped! God, without a doubt, wanted me in this church. And finally when we picked the kids up from Sunday school our daughter looked at me and said, “This church actually taught me about Jesus!” well that sealed the deal – we had found our home church in just one Sunday.

Now it took a process until we felt completely relaxed and at home. But with time and God’s love and grace we have become completely relaxed. We have moved from the back row to the third row, center. Our kids know the routine and the expectations and are respectful during the worship time. We have been blessed with so many friends that my heart overflows with love.  My son and I know exactly where we will be on a Tuesday morning – Mom and Me playgroup. Receiving an e-mail to RSVP for Parent’s-Night-Off – a free evening of childcare – is always exciting and appreciated. I love supporting our Women’s Ministry, which brings all generations of women together to support and learn from each other. Over the past two years we have been part of two different home small-groups that have allowed us to grow as Christians. I love each sermon, and yes I eagerly take notes, loving and drinking up everything I learn about God, His love and His plans.  

God without a doubt answered my prayer quickly and faithfully because He wants me to be in fellowship with other believers. I need others to help me grow in my faith. Though we are individuals, we still belong to one another. So in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.” (Romans 12:5).

God blessed me by opening my eyes, ears and heart to our church. He blessed me by not letting my anxiety stop me from entering our church He blessed me by turning off all the excuses the world gives us for why church just won’t work for our busy lives. Yes I am blessed that I am one of the 2 in 10 Canadians that attends church.

Psalm 23 - yes God you have my attention!

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord

forever.

Okay there are times in our life when the same message keeps repeating itself over and over to the point that we have no choice but to stop and listen. On four different occasions over the past two weeks psalms 23 has been brought to me and I have been left thinking that this is far more than a coincidence, this is absolutely God speaking to me. This psalm has been lovingly gift-wrapped by our incredible Father and delivered to me by Him, as a gift to help and guide me through this difficult time of relapse. He is showing me the power and truth of His Living Word.

First, after my last post, a faithful and dear friend messaged me and quoted psalm 23 as a prayer for me. Praying that I would find comfort from His staff, be led to still waters and that He would refresh my soul. Secondly, during my psychiatrist’s appointment, she looked at me as said “you know the psalm with ‘He will lead me to still waters’ – right now I’m seeing the image of a golden stream.” Yep, I got goose bumps! Thirdly, every so often our church holds a Saturday night event of extended worship called “The Well”. When I arrived we received a sheet of paper to help guide our meditation. Want to guess which passage of scripture was written on that sheet of paper? Yep, psalm 23!!! I think it was by the grace of God I didn’t faint right then and there.  So here I was on a Saturday night, “drinking from God’s Well” and meditating and applying Psalm 23 to my life. At this point I had no doubt that God was clearly and loudly telling me “FOCUS ON PSALM 23!!” Finally, as I spoke with a mom at our church’s mom’s group, she began to tell me that she would be teaching the preschool Sunday school group some new songs at the end of April based on PSALM 23!

So four different times, four different people, yet always the same passage. God definitely had my attention.

But, what exactly was God trying to tell me through this psalm?

Just before the long weekend my doctor called to check in with me. As we spoke I explained that my mood was about the same, but the fatigue seemed to be getting worse and I was becoming extremely frustrated. She then said something incredibly important. She reminded me that I could not become consumed with anger or fear. I paused and let that sink in. I could honestly respond that I was not angry. I was not angry with God, myself, my kids or even the whole situation. This was a very good sign for me, since at the beginning of my journey, anger was a very dominating and destructive emotion.

However, when I thought about fear, I realized I had a much different answer. I was becoming consumed by fear. I’m so afraid that I will not get better. I’m afraid of the “damage” I’m causing my kids and my relationship with them. I’m afraid of how much my husband can really handle. I’m afraid of the decisions that will have to be made regarding work if I don’t improve by September. I’m afraid of how I will work once I return should a relapse happen at that point. I'm afraid of the burden I'm putting on my mom. I'm afraid of how friends will react. I’m afraid that God is showing and telling me the way to healing, but I’m blind and deaf to His words. I’m completely afraid of this valley.

When I think about all of those fears, Psalm 23 begins to make a whole lot of sense.  Each line puts light on what seems to be a dark valley.

My LORD knows all of my needs and He will provide me with every thing I need for my journey on this Earth. I always describe my dark days as valleys, but perhaps I need to begin to see beyond the shadows and look out at the beautiful and fruitful green pastures that exist. Also, realizing that “He makes me lie down” is so important. Perhaps the fatigue is God’s loving way of saying “rest” to a stubborn soul. And of course only He can restore my soul. I need to drink from His well – His golden stream. He is my all in all. Yes He knows the path and the plans He has for me and they are for good. The path may be challenging, but I walk it because of His great love. Despite all the fears I have been able to conjure up, the truth is my God is walking with me. I am never alone. He has angels protecting me. I do not need to fear evil, for my God can and will deliver me from it. My enemies at this point are depression and fatigue, but God even in their presence sits me down and allows me to rest. And yes my cup overflows. I can still see all of the blessings He has poured into my cup – my husband, our children, our moms, our friends and most of all the gift of Jesus. God is always willing to pour out His mercy and grace on me, despite all my earthly flaws. He will never forget me. My life will be marked by His love, goodness and presence. He holds my future. And yes, one day I too will rise, like my Savior, and dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

It has been a week of reading and rereading and meditating on psalm 23. I can truthfully say that my mood is improving in leaps and bounds and the fatigue is relinquishing its hold on me. This valley has truly taught me the power of the Bible and my need not only to read it, but also to apply it and to live it. His Word needs to be tucked in my heart for it is such an incredible source of strength and healing. God has once again shown me His bottomless love – though the lessons may hurt, the growth is always worth it. Yes, the LORD is my Shepherd.