Just Let Go

My blogging most certainly has gone through a drought season these past few months. It is hard to believe that it was January when I last posted! Back then I talked about my first day back in the classroom after a three-year absence – I shared everything from the anticipatory anxiety I experienced to the hope that comes with trusting Christ.  

Over these past four months, God has given our family both wonderful blessings and fierce trials; and yet, blogging those moments simply has not happened. I do, however, hope to share some of those moments soon.  

So here I sit at my computer screen once again.

I am hesitant to even write.

My heart is torn and my mind is confused.

As I write this post, I will probably feel like failure and sadness, hope and humility have all been bundled into a single parcel. But, I need to and, more importantly, want to share this piece of my journey. So here it goes …

At the beginning of this month, I came to the realization that the return-to-work plan was simply not going as so many of us had hoped and prayed. 

The amount of time I spent in the classroom had not increased over the four months. The fatigue was unbearable despite only being there two hours a week. The panic attacks had returned. The depression was seeping back into my life. As the depression worsened I would stay in bed all day, miss commitments I truly enjoyed, isolate myself from family and friends, sob uncontrollably and be incredibly irritable and frustrated.

The familiarity of this path scared me for I knew, all too well, the consequences of such pain. At first, I simply ignored the pain – praying that it would get better. Eventually it was pride that kept me returning to the school each week. I didn’t want to admit to myself or anyone else that I was failing this challenge. In the final weeks I went only because I didn’t know how to stop. 

But, throughout all the denial and fear I still constantly prayed. I knew I needed God’s guidance, help and strength. I needed to hear His clear and decisive voice. I needed to know how to avoid the darkness. I needed to know if I belonged in the classroom. I needed to know that if I were to leave the classroom I was doing so according to His will and not my fears.

Then one morning, as I called out to Him in prayer, I heard God speak. Ever so quietly and lovingly I heard Him say, “Just let go” - so simple, peaceful, merciful and sincere – just as James describes His voice and wisdom:

“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” (James 3:17)

As I allowed those simple words - “let go” - flow through me I experienced the peace that God promises,

 “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7)

Yes, I was finally filled with a peace that can only come from God.

Accepting the reality that I may never walk back into the classroom, as a teacher, has very been difficult. Being a teacher has been a huge part of my identity.  Even during these past three years, I would always refer to myself as a “teacher on leave”.

But, how I define myself is changing. And as Christ and I walk through this transition, it is the promise of Isaiah 41:10 that is being etched onto my heart:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

I may no longer be an elementary teacher, but I will be strengthened, helped and upheld by the righteous right hand of God! And that is an amazing promise!

I know that exiting the classroom was an act of obedience to God. I truly believe that the depression, panic attacks and fatigue were God’s way of saying that I was not in the center of His will. He showed me how painful life was going to be if I continued to let fear and pride direct my life rather than Him.

As I make this next transition all my trust is solely in Him. I don’t know what the future holds for me in terms of a career, but I do know that God’s timing and plans are perfect. Through prayer and scripture I will seek Him everyday knowing that, when the time is right, His tender voice will once again direct my steps.  Perhaps I will in fact return to the classroom as a teacher, perhaps I will return to the education system in a different capacity or perhaps I will be in an entirely different field; regardless of what eventually unfolds, I do find peace in knowing that God is preparing my path.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." (1 Corinthians 2:9)