Trust in the Lord With All Your Heart

For those that read this blog and know the power of prayer, I humbly ask for your prayers tonight.

To say it has been a tough week is an understatement. The truth is the depression and fatigue have returned – oh how I hate even uttering that truth (or in this case typing it). It plain and simply sucks! It is certainly not to the depths that I have experienced in my darkest moments, but it is tough nevertheless.

I was so determined that this would not happen. I honestly and faithfully believed that I could control this from happening – that if I stayed close to God, filled my heart and mind with His Word, stayed connected to the many friends God has brought into my life and held my dear family close, I would avoid this stumble. But as so many know, there is simply no plan or formula for avoiding difficult times. Sometimes we simply have to walk the path that God knows is best.

So today I cling to the cross with empty hands. I have nothing to bring but my complete faith in Jesus (which is all God ever wants from me). At the cross I kneel begging God to work His way through me. Knowing that His promise to never leave me nor forsake me is absolutely true.

Right now I am reminded of the first time I felt that God had forgotten me. When I was left asking, “Really God?”

I had been making mediocre progress, at best, during my second hospital stay. I was under the care of a psychiatrist whose bedside manner left something to be desired and I was so over-medicated that I constantly felt that I had attended some drunken frat party the night before.

On this particular day, my assigned psychiatrist came into my room and said that I was being stubborn and not allowing the medications to do their job. From my point-of-view, complacently swallowing the pills was my part of the bargain, but she obviously saw things differently. She told me that since I was making no progress and was “untreatable” she was discharging me from the hospital.

I lost it, at least the best that my inebriated-self could, and begged not to be discharged. She told me her decision was made and that she would be filling in the paperwork. I called my amazing husband who immediately left work and met with the head of psychiatry and tried so hard to get me readmitted. Courtesy of a good deal of red tape he was unsuccessful, but we were told, on the side, to return in a couple of days when a different psychiatrist was on-call and have me readmitted then.

So we packed up my room, received my long list of prescriptions to fill at the local pharmacy and left the ward in a state of shock and frustration. We drove to the local supermarket to fill the prescriptions and then walked across the parking lot to have lunch.

As we walked, I spoke to God in anger (albeit silent anger). My rant went something along the lines of, “Really God! This is what I get for putting my faith in You!!!! You know this isn’t right. How can I trust You! I may have felt You that night when I asked You into my life, but where are You now??? I give up!!!” As we entered the restaurant, I let go of my rant and began to look over the menu.

And then God showed His amazing love and grace with the ring of a cell phone. When I picked up the phone I heard the voice that pretty much could have been an angel! On the other end was a psychiatrist my family doctor and I were desperately trying to get into contact with. As she spoke and listened to me, I was literally in awe of the contrast - her voice, tone, approach and concern was in stark contrast to the wrath I experienced from the other doctor just hours earlier. This psychiatrist was literally the answer to my prayers.

When I hung up I was sitting outside the restaurant and I looked up and said aloud, “You are so good!” That moment gave me a lasting memory that even when things make no sense to me, God is working His plan for my life. I learned in that moment that I do not need to understand everything, have control over everything or even know what waits around the next corner. I can simply “trust the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding” (Proverbs 3:6). For the Lord’s plans are greater than mine.

You see this doctor would not take me on unless I was an outpatient, so when she asked me if I was still in the hospital I could honestly answer “no”, something I could not have said had that cell phone rang only 2 hours before. God’s love was shown through the anger and hurtful words of that doctor as she made the radical decision to discharge a suicidal patient. It made no sense to any of us at the time, but it was God’s will.

This amazing psychiatrist initially agreed to see me for a two-appointment assessment, which I was completely grateful for. However, we both felt a deep connection during those two appointments, and she agreed to see me weekly if I was willing to make the 90-minute commute each way to see her. I have never missed an appointment in 18-months and I have always driven with a grateful heart! My initial assessment of her proved to be so accurate, she has been nothing short of a God-blessing. A blessing that showed me God’s love, mercy, grace and greatness. When I look back on my journey I count this as Miracle #2 (#1 is the steps I took to let Jesus into my life)

How awesome is it that we pray to a God where we can let off a rant like I did and yet He still executes His plans with love.

So tonight as I live the reality of a depressed mood and an aching fatigue I cling to His truths and all the ways He has shown me His love during this journey. I wait with anticipation to see His plans unfold.

Newton's Third Law

Newton’s Third Law of Physics states, “That for every action there will be an equal and opposite reaction” and right now I am feeling that this law is not only applicable to the physical world, but also to the emotional world.

You see, we just got back two days ago from a family vacation to San Diego. I had the most wonderful time learning about God’s amazing creations at Sea World and the San Diego Zoo, laughing and screaming on the rides at Legoland and Knott’s Berry Farm, speeding around go-cart tracks, appreciating my freedom as we toured the USS Midway and simply relishing in the quality time we got to spend as a family. There were many times during the nine days were I simply thanked God for my life; that I am alive to experience such precious moments with my husband and children. For nine days I felt as if I was walking on air. There were no beds to make, no meals to cook, no errands to run. All I had to do was enjoy myself – to feel the joy, appreciation and gratitude that filled each moment and oh how I rose to that challenge.

Today, however, I feel that my emotions have entered into that “equal and opposite” zone. My mood has been so low it hurts. I have spent the day curled up in bed hoping the hours will just pass quickly. I have felt detached and unmotivated. I have felt the complete opposite of what I felt two days ago.

The difficult part is that this seems to have become a pattern. For the past three years I go through the same slump after our family vacations. It is as if my body needs a depressed episode to regulate itself or find its equilibrium.  I could add another diagnosis to my medical chart: post-vacation depression!

This year, I was so optimistic that the pattern would not repeat, but unfortunately it has. However, I can feel a difference in how I am approaching these unwanted feelings. For one, after learning at the zoo how God created each animal so uniquely and with such love, Matthew 6:26 resonates with my heart, “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Yes I believe the truth of that passage! God will take care of me if I allow myself to follow Him. Also, the incredible period of wellness that I experienced prior to the vacation has given me the ability to trust the ebb and flow of emotions.

Okay, I just need to share this bit, because I think it is pretty cool …….

Before I started writing I was lying in bed and praying for God to show me the right direction, the way to a better tomorrow when I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to blog. Now my first thought was, “I’m not blogging when I feel lousy and anyways I’m way too tired and exhausted to blog.” ….. So, I got up and put a loaf of cinnamon raisin bread in the bread maker so it would be ready when I wake up (hey! warm carbs in the morning seemed like a much better and more sensible pick-me-up than writing!) But even after I measured out all the ingredients and programmed the timer, I still had that nagging feeling to blog. Now, my walk through the valley and up the mountainside has taught me to listen to that nagging. And so, as you know since you are reading this, I actually blogged and guess what?! My mood is lifting!!! Yes, God loves me more than the birds in the sky. He knows that my heart and mind heal through writing and that is where He led me – all I had to do was listen and act. 

Oh how I love an answered prayer! 

The Healing Hands of God!

HEALING – for so many days of my journey through mental illness I truly believed that healing was impossible - an elusive and impossible dream. For over two years, I put my hope in medications, therapy models and eventually God. As I noted in a previous post, running into God’s widespread open arms that wonderful evening brought me peace, but it did not bring me the healing my family, friends, doctors and I so desperately desired. My depression and anxiety remained severe and the chronic fatigue was almost unbearable. At times I could feel the veil of the depression and anxiety slowly lift; but the fatigue was so relentless that I couldn’t fully experience the shift in my mood. At times I gave up hope of ever being healed and would ask God to show me a way to live with the burden. But God knew the plans that He had for me from the very beginning and on December 14^th, 2011 He revealed His greatness, His love, His healing hands to me.

What follows is a copy of a message I sent out to some close-friends on January 3, 2011. This message was so exciting to share. It is a message filled with hope, faith and love for my amazing God!

God’s Healing Hands

As we left 2011 behind I got to look back on the year and see healing. 2010 brought me to Christ, the greatest gift I ever received, but 2011 allowed me to feel His healing hands holding me and working through me each day.
As most of you know, severe and chronic fatigue has been the most debilitating part of my illness and from the very beginning I have said that it felt like the root cause of the depression and anxiety; if only we could find a way to cure the fatigue, the depression and anxiety would also cease was my gut-feeling. However, I now know that I was slightly off in my diagnosis - not having Christ as my center, my guide, my Shepherd was the root cause of my illnesses. Yet simply running to His open arms that wonderful September evening was not going to be my cure, He had greater plans for Him and me. God has always had a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11), and I can now see that depression, anxiety and fatigue were part of His plan.
For one, those illnesses made me realize my need for a Savior, they also made me reevaluate my priorities, and they made me deal with parts of my past that I so wanted to keep buried. And of course each illness will have touched and shaped my life in a way only God can see and He will reveal those ways to me when the time is right. As a dear friend wrote a few months ago, “He sees the benefit, even when all I see is the brokenness.”
Over the past year, I have slowly felt the veil of depression and anxiety lift. It has been a slow lifting - and at times so frustratingly slow and often it felt like a lifting and then a re-veiling. I have felt so lost and confused - I have racked my brain wondering, what am I even depressed and anxious about? I have exactly what I have always wanted - a relationship with my Creator, a loving and devoted husband, beautiful and healthy children, an otherwise healthy body, a career that I love and comforts that go well beyond my needs - how could I possibly be depressed when I have so much and others are surviving on so much less and facing so many more hardships. But, I now know, God works in His own sovereign ways.
As the depression and anxiety lifted somewhat, the fatigue remained. And there were so many times when I was left begging God to just let me feel rested, to feel awake enough to appreciate the peace and joy He was bringing back to my life. But, like so many others I felt like God was not hearing me, not listening to me, simply forgetting about me - oh how Satan loves to fill our minds with doubts. However, on my stronger days - which thankfully there were more of - my faith and my hope in God rose above my despair and I remained faithful through prayer.
My prayer was always the same - “God please in Your perfect timing and in Your perfect way give me the energy to live the life that You have planned for me.” And on Dec 14, God answered that prayer. Since Dec. 14, I have not needed a nap. I have felt no pull to lie down, to rest, to sleep. The incredible contrast between Dec. 13 and Dec. 14 is so amazing that only the hands of God could create something so miraculous. I continue to be on 5 medications in which fatigue is listed as the primary side effect and yet I am no longer tired, no longer drained.
For the past two years, I have had to nap every afternoon for at least two hours and often after getting myself ready and Alexis off to school I have needed an hour nap in the morning, so this transformation is simply a miracle.
To sit down after putting the kids to bed and still feel like I have energy goes beyond anything I could have conceptualized or imagined, it goes beyond what I even prayed for. This morning as I was going through my personal Bible study, I came across this passage in Ephesians 3:20, “Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.” How incredible it is that God would lead me to that passage after I just wrote the previous sentence! This healing is more than I could have dreamed of, imagined or even prayed for.
The greatness of our God is so often shown in how He answers our prayers. When He says “yes”, He does so in a way that He cannot be missed by those who know Him. In my case, the transformation was so dramatic that credit could not be given to a new medication, the hands of doctors, some new food or supplement, a new exercise routine - no the change, the gift, could only be caused by the One that created this world, the only One capable of miracles. Glory to God!
I can honestly say that I am reveling in God’s greatness and His love. Each afternoon where I have read my children books, played games, had a tea party, painted nails with my daughter, put together puzzles, cuddled as a family while watching a movie, constructed Lego, played a family game of Wii, talked with my husband, soaked in the hot tub or even cleaned a room, I have praised our Lord. “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” (Psalms 30:11), yes indeed I have been clothed in joy these past weeks.
For everyone who has prayed for my family and me these past years, thank you. "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up (James 5:15). I am so grateful for this chapter. I do not know what lies ahead - whether the depression, anxiety or fatigue will return in the enormity that I once felt it or if it is finally behind me or somewhere in between - but, I do find such comfort in knowing that I will not be walking alone - God will always be walking with me, will always be listening.

“But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

God has worked a multitude of miracles in my life since I made the decision to put my Faith and Hope in Him. God led me to share this "big one" first, but He was working equally important miracles every step of my journey. Future posts will show these smaller miracles. It is a series of posts I am so excited to be writing!