Trust in the Lord With All Your Heart

For those that read this blog and know the power of prayer, I humbly ask for your prayers tonight.

To say it has been a tough week is an understatement. The truth is the depression and fatigue have returned – oh how I hate even uttering that truth (or in this case typing it). It plain and simply sucks! It is certainly not to the depths that I have experienced in my darkest moments, but it is tough nevertheless.

I was so determined that this would not happen. I honestly and faithfully believed that I could control this from happening – that if I stayed close to God, filled my heart and mind with His Word, stayed connected to the many friends God has brought into my life and held my dear family close, I would avoid this stumble. But as so many know, there is simply no plan or formula for avoiding difficult times. Sometimes we simply have to walk the path that God knows is best.

So today I cling to the cross with empty hands. I have nothing to bring but my complete faith in Jesus (which is all God ever wants from me). At the cross I kneel begging God to work His way through me. Knowing that His promise to never leave me nor forsake me is absolutely true.

Right now I am reminded of the first time I felt that God had forgotten me. When I was left asking, “Really God?”

I had been making mediocre progress, at best, during my second hospital stay. I was under the care of a psychiatrist whose bedside manner left something to be desired and I was so over-medicated that I constantly felt that I had attended some drunken frat party the night before.

On this particular day, my assigned psychiatrist came into my room and said that I was being stubborn and not allowing the medications to do their job. From my point-of-view, complacently swallowing the pills was my part of the bargain, but she obviously saw things differently. She told me that since I was making no progress and was “untreatable” she was discharging me from the hospital.

I lost it, at least the best that my inebriated-self could, and begged not to be discharged. She told me her decision was made and that she would be filling in the paperwork. I called my amazing husband who immediately left work and met with the head of psychiatry and tried so hard to get me readmitted. Courtesy of a good deal of red tape he was unsuccessful, but we were told, on the side, to return in a couple of days when a different psychiatrist was on-call and have me readmitted then.

So we packed up my room, received my long list of prescriptions to fill at the local pharmacy and left the ward in a state of shock and frustration. We drove to the local supermarket to fill the prescriptions and then walked across the parking lot to have lunch.

As we walked, I spoke to God in anger (albeit silent anger). My rant went something along the lines of, “Really God! This is what I get for putting my faith in You!!!! You know this isn’t right. How can I trust You! I may have felt You that night when I asked You into my life, but where are You now??? I give up!!!” As we entered the restaurant, I let go of my rant and began to look over the menu.

And then God showed His amazing love and grace with the ring of a cell phone. When I picked up the phone I heard the voice that pretty much could have been an angel! On the other end was a psychiatrist my family doctor and I were desperately trying to get into contact with. As she spoke and listened to me, I was literally in awe of the contrast - her voice, tone, approach and concern was in stark contrast to the wrath I experienced from the other doctor just hours earlier. This psychiatrist was literally the answer to my prayers.

When I hung up I was sitting outside the restaurant and I looked up and said aloud, “You are so good!” That moment gave me a lasting memory that even when things make no sense to me, God is working His plan for my life. I learned in that moment that I do not need to understand everything, have control over everything or even know what waits around the next corner. I can simply “trust the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding” (Proverbs 3:6). For the Lord’s plans are greater than mine.

You see this doctor would not take me on unless I was an outpatient, so when she asked me if I was still in the hospital I could honestly answer “no”, something I could not have said had that cell phone rang only 2 hours before. God’s love was shown through the anger and hurtful words of that doctor as she made the radical decision to discharge a suicidal patient. It made no sense to any of us at the time, but it was God’s will.

This amazing psychiatrist initially agreed to see me for a two-appointment assessment, which I was completely grateful for. However, we both felt a deep connection during those two appointments, and she agreed to see me weekly if I was willing to make the 90-minute commute each way to see her. I have never missed an appointment in 18-months and I have always driven with a grateful heart! My initial assessment of her proved to be so accurate, she has been nothing short of a God-blessing. A blessing that showed me God’s love, mercy, grace and greatness. When I look back on my journey I count this as Miracle #2 (#1 is the steps I took to let Jesus into my life)

How awesome is it that we pray to a God where we can let off a rant like I did and yet He still executes His plans with love.

So tonight as I live the reality of a depressed mood and an aching fatigue I cling to His truths and all the ways He has shown me His love during this journey. I wait with anticipation to see His plans unfold.