HEALING – for so many days of my journey through mental
illness I truly believed that healing was impossible - an elusive and
impossible dream. For over two years, I put my hope in medications, therapy
models and eventually God. As I noted in a previous post, running into God’s
widespread open arms that wonderful evening brought me peace, but it did not
bring me the healing my family, friends, doctors and I so desperately desired.
My depression and anxiety remained severe and the chronic fatigue was almost unbearable.
At times I could feel the veil of the depression and anxiety slowly lift; but
the fatigue was so relentless that I couldn’t fully experience the shift in my mood.
At times I gave up hope of ever being healed and would ask God to show me a way
to live with the burden. But God knew the plans that He had for me from the
very beginning and on December 14th, 2011 He revealed His greatness,
His love, His healing hands to me.
What follows is a copy of a message I sent out to some
close-friends on January 3, 2011. This message was so exciting to share. It is
a message filled with hope, faith and love for my amazing God!
God’s
Healing Hands
As we left 2011 behind I got to look back on the year and see healing. 2010 brought me to Christ, the greatest gift I ever received, but 2011 allowed me to feel His healing hands holding me and working through me each day.
As most of you know, severe and chronic fatigue has been the most debilitating part of my illness and from the very beginning I have said that it felt like the root cause of the depression and anxiety; if only we could find a way to cure the fatigue, the depression and anxiety would also cease was my gut-feeling. However, I now know that I was slightly off in my diagnosis - not having Christ as my center, my guide, my Shepherd was the root cause of my illnesses. Yet simply running to His open arms that wonderful September evening was not going to be my cure, He had greater plans for Him and me. God has always had a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11), and I can now see that depression, anxiety and fatigue were part of His plan.
For one, those illnesses made me realize my need for a Savior, they also made me reevaluate my priorities, and they made me deal with parts of my past that I so wanted to keep buried. And of course each illness will have touched and shaped my life in a way only God can see and He will reveal those ways to me when the time is right. As a dear friend wrote a few months ago, “He sees the benefit, even when all I see is the brokenness.”
Over the past year, I have slowly felt the veil of depression and anxiety lift. It has been a slow lifting - and at times so frustratingly slow and often it felt like a lifting and then a re-veiling. I have felt so lost and confused - I have racked my brain wondering, what am I even depressed and anxious about? I have exactly what I have always wanted - a relationship with my Creator, a loving and devoted husband, beautiful and healthy children, an otherwise healthy body, a career that I love and comforts that go well beyond my needs - how could I possibly be depressed when I have so much and others are surviving on so much less and facing so many more hardships. But, I now know, God works in His own sovereign ways.
As the depression and anxiety lifted somewhat, the fatigue remained. And there were so many times when I was left begging God to just let me feel rested, to feel awake enough to appreciate the peace and joy He was bringing back to my life. But, like so many others I felt like God was not hearing me, not listening to me, simply forgetting about me - oh how Satan loves to fill our minds with doubts. However, on my stronger days - which thankfully there were more of - my faith and my hope in God rose above my despair and I remained faithful through prayer.
My prayer was always the same - “God please in Your perfect timing and in Your perfect way give me the energy to live the life that You have planned for me.” And on Dec 14, God answered that prayer. Since Dec. 14, I have not needed a nap. I have felt no pull to lie down, to rest, to sleep. The incredible contrast between Dec. 13 and Dec. 14 is so amazing that only the hands of God could create something so miraculous. I continue to be on 5 medications in which fatigue is listed as the primary side effect and yet I am no longer tired, no longer drained.
For the past two years, I have had to nap every afternoon for at least two hours and often after getting myself ready and Alexis off to school I have needed an hour nap in the morning, so this transformation is simply a miracle.
To sit down after putting the kids to bed and still feel like I have energy goes beyond anything I could have conceptualized or imagined, it goes beyond what I even prayed for. This morning as I was going through my personal Bible study, I came across this passage in Ephesians 3:20, “Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.” How incredible it is that God would lead me to that passage after I just wrote the previous sentence! This healing is more than I could have dreamed of, imagined or even prayed for.
The greatness of our God is so often shown in how He answers our prayers. When He says “yes”, He does so in a way that He cannot be missed by those who know Him. In my case, the transformation was so dramatic that credit could not be given to a new medication, the hands of doctors, some new food or supplement, a new exercise routine - no the change, the gift, could only be caused by the One that created this world, the only One capable of miracles. Glory to God!
I can honestly say that I am reveling in God’s greatness and His love. Each afternoon where I have read my children books, played games, had a tea party, painted nails with my daughter, put together puzzles, cuddled as a family while watching a movie, constructed Lego, played a family game of Wii, talked with my husband, soaked in the hot tub or even cleaned a room, I have praised our Lord. “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” (Psalms 30:11), yes indeed I have been clothed in joy these past weeks.
For everyone who has prayed for my family and me these past years, thank you. "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up (James 5:15). I am so grateful for this chapter. I do not know what lies ahead - whether the depression, anxiety or fatigue will return in the enormity that I once felt it or if it is finally behind me or somewhere in between - but, I do find such comfort in knowing that I will not be walking alone - God will always be walking with me, will always be listening.
“But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)
As we left 2011 behind I got to look back on the year and see healing. 2010 brought me to Christ, the greatest gift I ever received, but 2011 allowed me to feel His healing hands holding me and working through me each day.
As most of you know, severe and chronic fatigue has been the most debilitating part of my illness and from the very beginning I have said that it felt like the root cause of the depression and anxiety; if only we could find a way to cure the fatigue, the depression and anxiety would also cease was my gut-feeling. However, I now know that I was slightly off in my diagnosis - not having Christ as my center, my guide, my Shepherd was the root cause of my illnesses. Yet simply running to His open arms that wonderful September evening was not going to be my cure, He had greater plans for Him and me. God has always had a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11), and I can now see that depression, anxiety and fatigue were part of His plan.
For one, those illnesses made me realize my need for a Savior, they also made me reevaluate my priorities, and they made me deal with parts of my past that I so wanted to keep buried. And of course each illness will have touched and shaped my life in a way only God can see and He will reveal those ways to me when the time is right. As a dear friend wrote a few months ago, “He sees the benefit, even when all I see is the brokenness.”
Over the past year, I have slowly felt the veil of depression and anxiety lift. It has been a slow lifting - and at times so frustratingly slow and often it felt like a lifting and then a re-veiling. I have felt so lost and confused - I have racked my brain wondering, what am I even depressed and anxious about? I have exactly what I have always wanted - a relationship with my Creator, a loving and devoted husband, beautiful and healthy children, an otherwise healthy body, a career that I love and comforts that go well beyond my needs - how could I possibly be depressed when I have so much and others are surviving on so much less and facing so many more hardships. But, I now know, God works in His own sovereign ways.
As the depression and anxiety lifted somewhat, the fatigue remained. And there were so many times when I was left begging God to just let me feel rested, to feel awake enough to appreciate the peace and joy He was bringing back to my life. But, like so many others I felt like God was not hearing me, not listening to me, simply forgetting about me - oh how Satan loves to fill our minds with doubts. However, on my stronger days - which thankfully there were more of - my faith and my hope in God rose above my despair and I remained faithful through prayer.
My prayer was always the same - “God please in Your perfect timing and in Your perfect way give me the energy to live the life that You have planned for me.” And on Dec 14, God answered that prayer. Since Dec. 14, I have not needed a nap. I have felt no pull to lie down, to rest, to sleep. The incredible contrast between Dec. 13 and Dec. 14 is so amazing that only the hands of God could create something so miraculous. I continue to be on 5 medications in which fatigue is listed as the primary side effect and yet I am no longer tired, no longer drained.
For the past two years, I have had to nap every afternoon for at least two hours and often after getting myself ready and Alexis off to school I have needed an hour nap in the morning, so this transformation is simply a miracle.
To sit down after putting the kids to bed and still feel like I have energy goes beyond anything I could have conceptualized or imagined, it goes beyond what I even prayed for. This morning as I was going through my personal Bible study, I came across this passage in Ephesians 3:20, “Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.” How incredible it is that God would lead me to that passage after I just wrote the previous sentence! This healing is more than I could have dreamed of, imagined or even prayed for.
The greatness of our God is so often shown in how He answers our prayers. When He says “yes”, He does so in a way that He cannot be missed by those who know Him. In my case, the transformation was so dramatic that credit could not be given to a new medication, the hands of doctors, some new food or supplement, a new exercise routine - no the change, the gift, could only be caused by the One that created this world, the only One capable of miracles. Glory to God!
I can honestly say that I am reveling in God’s greatness and His love. Each afternoon where I have read my children books, played games, had a tea party, painted nails with my daughter, put together puzzles, cuddled as a family while watching a movie, constructed Lego, played a family game of Wii, talked with my husband, soaked in the hot tub or even cleaned a room, I have praised our Lord. “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” (Psalms 30:11), yes indeed I have been clothed in joy these past weeks.
For everyone who has prayed for my family and me these past years, thank you. "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up (James 5:15). I am so grateful for this chapter. I do not know what lies ahead - whether the depression, anxiety or fatigue will return in the enormity that I once felt it or if it is finally behind me or somewhere in between - but, I do find such comfort in knowing that I will not be walking alone - God will always be walking with me, will always be listening.
“But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)
God has worked a multitude of miracles in my life since I made the decision to put my Faith and Hope in Him. God led me to share this "big one" first, but He was working equally important miracles every step of my journey. Future posts will show these smaller miracles. It is a series of posts I am so excited to be writing!
No comments:
Post a Comment