All My Hope is in You

 

Tired. Exhausted. Fatigued. Sleepy. Worn Out. Lethargic. Weary.

Those words are hardly new to me for I have carried them on my back for so very long.

Long before the depression and anxiety railroaded me. Long before my medication list became a cocktail. Long before I hit rock bottom. Those words have been dragging me down.

I wake each morning tired. I go through my day tired. I lie down for a nap tired and wake each afternoon tired. I play with my kids tired. I cook dinner tired. I talk with my husband tired. I go to bed tired.

No it never goes away. With rest I can take the painful edge off, but I never feel awake or energized. It is always a burden.

There have been moments were this cloud of tiredness has lifted – and oh what glorious moments they have been. But they are not sustained.

I have had to learn to live amidst this fog. I could not expect to stay in bed all day and heal my life, so I have done my best. The vast majority of people I interact with each day would never suspect the burden I carry. 

Long ago, my doctor promised me that, “she would not leave me here”, that we would solve the fatigue problem in time, but I would have to be patient. I would have to be weaned off the high dosages of my medications. I would have to navigate the world of difficult therapies. But in time, we would address the fatigue.

Well the time has come. My medications are drastically reduced. I have climbed mountains, with the help of my therapist, which I thought were impossible.

But, still the fatigue has remained.

We are now running a battery of tests. My stubborn and slow-pumping veins had 10-minutes of blood drawn from them this morning. I’m so desperate for an answer that I want something, anything to show up. But I know the chances are slim, for all of these tests have already been performed in the past and come back normal. 

So what now?

I have put my hope in medication.

I have put my hope in therapy.

I have put my hope in blood work.

I have put my hope in time. 

I have put my hope in doctors. 

I now feel hopeless. 

But when I return to my praying knees I am reminded that my hope has been in the wrong place. I need to fully surrender to my God. I am realizing that splitting my hope between God and something earthly is not working. I need to stop grasping and fall into His loving arms. I need to let Him carry me.

I must put all my hope in the Healer for He, alone, has the answers.

I need to remember “The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him” (Lamentations 3:25).

I will seek Him.

At this time when I feel so discouraged I will remember that my Heavenly Father delights to keep His word. I will remember the promise of Deuteronomy 31:8 “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged”

I will not be afraid. I will not be discouraged.   

“Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord their God.” (Psalms 146:5)

No matter what happens, no matter what healing looks like I will remember that I am completely blessed. For I have a relationship with my Creator. That He loved me so much that He gave me Jesus.

And it is there that my hope lies – at the foot of the Cross. For if Jesus could carry the cross for me, I will carry this burden until the Father chooses to take it from me. Yes, in comparison, my burden is so very light.

Thank you Jesus.