Servanthood

James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ (James 1:1)

As I have been praying and talking with God these past weeks I have been begging and pleading for God to lift the burden of the fatigue and the depression; which all too often accompanies the fatigue. From my point-of-view this seemed like a reasonable request. I could give God a mile long list of all the good I could do for His Kingdom if only I had energy.

And yet, God continually said “no”. He was responding to my relentless begging and pleading with the command “write”. And I kept responding with the reply, “but I’m too tried”. Every time I would sit at my computer to write a post the fatigue would flood me and I couldn’t even get a coherent first sentence typed, I had stopped journaling because the thought of putting my thoughts on paper was too overwhelming, even typing out an e-mail response seemed like too much.

Disobedience, from my perspective, seemed utterly justified. If God would just give me the energy I would write anything and everything that He wanted. But, I was not going to do it utterly exhausted.

God and I could have easily stayed stuck in this dance – this tango. It would have been so easy to label God’s “no” as unjust and unfair – to turn away from Him.

But instead I began to feel God’s presence even stronger. He was speaking to me in yet another way – albeit a slightly odd way.

I kept having this strange image run through my mind. Every so often this image of a new-recruit enduring boot camp would come forth. And each time the new-recruit would be telling the general how to do things. Now, the fact that I was having any thought or image of the army was proof enough for me that God was at work. Although I completely appreciate and respect those who serve our country, I have very little interest in the structure and routines of the armed forces. I cannot tell you the difference between a general, commanding officer or lieutenant – my husband could tell you (in great detail), but not me. So, what was God trying to tell me?

As I was driving and praying for relief from the fatigue that same image popped into my mind along with James 1:1. Looking back, I now see that for God to get through my thick head I needed prayer, an image and scripture! It was in that moment, stopped at a red light, that it finally dawned on me – I was relegating God to the role of new-recruit and I was proudly taking the role of general. And as I spoke that realization aloud I could clearly hear God say, “finally!”

It tuned my thinking upside down – which is exactly what Kingdom living does to you. I was remembering that I am a servant of God and our Lord Jesus Christ. Thus, if the Creator of heaven and earth knows that I can write and live through this constant fatigue, how can I say no? How can I say that I know better?

So now, each morning, I wake and pray the promise of God’s Word into my heart, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).  I remember that His promises are true.

When Jesus taught His disciples to pray He was only two verses in when He made it clear whose will is to be done, “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:9-10). And in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus pleading with the Father says, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42).

In a single moment my prayers changed and in doing so my heart was realigned to the Father’s perfect will. I remembered my role of servant.

I found rest on the promise and goodness of His word.