I've been praying for wisdom regarding when I should share the story - oh the glorious story - of how I became a follower of Jesus - and now feels like the right time.
So this is the story of that grace-filled moment ....
I was at rock-bottom (actually the second rock bottom). At the first rock-bottom I was hospitalized for 6-weeks in an attempt to get control over the depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. But, after 6-weeks I was discharged due to lack of improvement. I returned home still depressed, still anxious, not really suicidal, but severely over-medicated. I wanted happiness. I wanted to enjoy being with my kids and talking with my husband; I wanted to enjoy life. So I tried the only way I knew how. I became dependent on my closest friend and together we shopped, worked out, drank wine, camped and confided - by all worldly standards it seemed like a perfect recipe. Yet, still I felt empty, lost and alone. I became a burden to that one close friend; and in late-August after a family camping trip she told me she could no longer be my friend. I was devastated. Gone was my shopping partner, work out partner, wine partner and confidante. That night in a fit of anger and utter sadness I overdosed on my medications. I quickly lost consciousness, forcing my husband to call 911, and for me to be rushed by ambulance with lights and sirens. When I awoke the next morning, I realized that I had hit my second rock bottom.
Now God has the most incredible way of preparing the road that leads to Him. He so desperately wants us in His Kingdom that He will search for us, “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it?" (Luke 15:4). He will search for us, but we must take the leap of faith and fall into His arms.
Looking back, these are the stepping stones God laid for me, so I could find my way home. First, during my initial hospitalization a sweet friend prayed with me and one part of that prayer struck the center of my heart. She spoke, "please God heal her, You know her better than anyone, for You created her". When we hear the truth, our hearts listen! Secondly, I needed that friendship I was so dependent on to break. It would take a long time for me to realize that truth, but there was simply no way I would reach out to God while I was still tied to that friend, so God through that friend broke the tie. Thirdly, the only radio station I could get on my alarm clock in my hospital room was the Christian station Praise 106.5, the more I listened, the more I believed. Fourth, each day on my way to various patient programs I would pass the "sacred room"and each day I glanced at it a little longer. Fifth, I knew I had a lot of people praying for me and that began to mean something to my heart. Finally, I felt a hole in my soul that nothing earthly could fill. My soul was crying out for its Creator.
So one evening I felt an unexplainable push to get out of my hospital bed and walk towards that sacred room. I sat down on a chair and for several minutes I was completely silent. I then said the Lords Prayer (which hung on my bedroom wall in my secular household) and then I began pouring my heart out to God. I told Him how much I needed Him, how I knew deep in my soul that He knew me for He created me, I admitted that I was a sinner and that I was so incredibly sorry for the choices I had made for they had brought me such pain, I told Him that I believed that Jesus Christ was His son and I thanked Him for sending Him into this world and for Him dying on the cross, I told Him that I wanted Jesus in my life forever and I wanted to learn His ways for living. I instantly felt the peace I had been searching for so desperately, "The Lord gives his people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace" (Psalms 29:11). I could hear the angles sing! "In just the same way, I tell you, there will be rejoicing among the angels of God over one sinner who repents." (Luke 15:10). I could feel myself being lifted onto my Savior's shoulders, "And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders" (Luke 15:5). I could feel my Father's embrace, "his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." (Luke 15:20).
Those words were so beautiful to speak that evening, but the greatness of God is shown by the fact that I had never previously never picked up a Bible, no one told me what I should say when I was ready to give my life back to Christ nor did I Google what I should say. My heart simply knew exactly how to speak to its Creator!
When I started reading the Bible the significance of what I had spoken began to overwhelm me - I could only explain my words as being divinely-spoken. Passages such as the following confirmed that I had spoken exactly what God needed to hear:
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9)
"If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved." (Romans 10:9-10)
"Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God" (John 1:12)A part of me wishes I could end this post saying that from the moment Jesus entered my life I was healed; that I was no longer depressed or anxious, no longer withdrawn or exhausted, no longer in pain. But that was not the Lord's plan for me and Him. We had a valley to walk through together and a mountain to climb. The journey was long and at times treacherous, but it was never lonely once I had Jesus. He was my Friend, my Light, my Rock, my Teacher, my Shepherd, my Comforter and my Deliverer every step of the way.
Future posts will describe what I learned through my walk in the valley, how God gave me glimpses of my healing and His love and finally, the moment I felt as if I had reached the top of this mountain. I sometimes will ask myself, "where would I be if I hadn't given my life to Jesus?" and that is a very scary thought to ponder and I am very, very glad that I do not have to live that reality!
Glory be to God!
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