Growing Roots

As I look back on my faith journey I am in awe of the many different ways God has cultivated my faith. He has used His word, blessings, trials, mountaintops, miracles, prayer, voice, friendships and so many other ways to grow the roots of my faith.

And once again, the Gardner is at work. He is pouring His blessing over me as He encourages and calls me to actually live my faith – to live Christ-like.

You see, despite my better judgment I got involved with the PAC at my daughter’s school by heading the Dress Code Committee. I naively thought that it would be a simple process – but it has been anything but simple. We have ended up needing a mediator – yes a mediator – to help the Executive and Committee navigate the world of polo shorts, cargo pants, leggings, and the colour of tights and socks!

There have been many moments that I have wanted to just throw my hands up and walk away. For goodness sake, it is just clothes!!! But every time I have tried to do just that, God has told me “no”. He has reminded me of integrity. He has reminded me of the importance of finishing what I have started. He has reminded me that I need to lean on Him.

Trust me, as I have prayed I have asked God if I’m hearing Him right. This just doesn’t seem big enough to be a “God issue”. It is a public school where a bunch of privileged parents are haggling over minute details of their child’s uniform – there has to be better and greater things that God needs to deal with!

Then God spoke very clearly to me. He told me that this is actually about ME and not the uniform being debated. Wow! He instantly put Matthew 5:16 on my heart, “In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” Hmmm …. How God’s Word can make something so murky become so clear.

You see, a part of me wanted to be right at any cost! But, God showed me in one verse that being right was not my goal nor the measure of my success. Nope, God wants me to glorify Him in all I do. I am to live and walk my faith.

Our amazing Gardner has been weeding my garden of the hostility, the anger, the despair, the frustration and the hurt so my light can shine before others for His Glory. As He tends my garden He is opening my blind eyes and deaf ears so the fruits of the spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control - can grow.

Yes, God is challenging me to grow! He uses the trials, whatever they are on this Earth, to grow us in our faith. To make us more Christ-like each and every day.

Philippians 4:4-16 is the perfect passage of God’s expectations of my conduct for the meeting tonight.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. (Yes my reasonableness; not my stubbornness, not my anger, not my frustrations) The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (Yes I need to pray before, during, and after this meeting. God wants to be there with me).  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Oh what an amazing promise!)

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Without a doubt there will be negative things to dwell on, but God wants me to see beyond the darkness and focus on the honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable and excellent. I will rise to His challenge!) What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. (Oh how I crave to feel the God of peace near me.)

God’s love and grace has shown me that I am not at the meeting because a uniform policy is of great, worldly importance, but rather, this is an opportunity to feel and live my renewed self. This is my chance to shine for all the great works God has done within me. It is my chance to rise above hostility and remember that “a fools mouth lashes out with pride, but the lips of the wise protect them” (Proverbs 13:17) and that, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24). 

There are certainly moments when I think that this challenge is too great - the I will just fall to the level that all the others are conducting themselves, but it is then that I will be constantly praying and reminding myself that "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). 

Yes God has placed me at this meeting, not because of a uniform, but rather to help the roots of my faith grasp the incredible soil that He has planted me in.

Following God's Plan: "Speaking"

For a while now I have been feeling that God is about to stretch me beyond my comfort zone in regards to my testimony and writing. My prayer journal is full of prayers asking God to give me glimpse of His plans and that if I can’t have a glimpse if He could just make sure my eyes and heart are open wide so that I can clearly see His will and plans.

A lot of my prayers focused on my fear that I would miss or be blinded to God’s plans for me. So I began anxiously searching. Yes in my crazy, human mind I thought I could find a clue, a hint of what God wanted me to do next. And then God whispered to me “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalms 46:10).

Such a loving and gentle reminder of who really is in control. It was a reminder that when the time is right God will place doorways, not barriers, along the path for me to walk through. Yes, I needed to remind myself of my favorite Proverbs, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

So for several weeks now I’ve been sitting still and waiting for God’s plans to unfold. And of course, since, for some reason, I love to be anxious, I began to worry that I may be too afraid to walk through the door that was being prepared for me. Honestly, only the Creator of the universe can have enough patience to deal with my constant anxiety! So again, He guided me to His word and reminded me that He “gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7). So I waited and clung to God’s word and promises.

Then Monday evening our children’s pastor called me and thanks to the power of call-display I knew instantly that this was the doorway God had planned for me. As we spoke, she asked me if I was willing to share testimony about our church and children’s ministry with our congregation on Mother’s Day. Trust me, 2 Timothy 1:7 was being repeated over and over in my mind.

Now, not surprisingly though, the devil got right to work planting the seeds of anxiety and doubt in my mind. Within seconds he had me convinced that I could never speak in front of that many people. He was quickly reminding me that I have a social anxiety diagnosis for a reason. He was convincing me that I would simply make a fool of myself and that I would do nothing but mumble and babble. He was loudly telling me that I had nothing important or worthy to share. Oh how I wanted to say “no”

But I am obedient to God. I knew instantly that speaking about our church was part of His great plan for me. And once I submitted to His will and said, “yes” I could so clearly see the stepping stones God had placed to get me to this point - I could see His loving hands at work.

These are the stepping-stones that God used to make my path straight:

·      For about 2 months I have had a feeling that I was going to be stretched (my Heavenly Father loved me enough to not just spring it on me!)

·      During that time I have been hearing God gently reminding me that at the very beginning of my blogging journey He told me to, “Speak and Write”

·      When I became anxious and impatient His voice and word comforted me

·      A week ago I mentioned to my doctor that I suffer the most when I forget that my voice has power either through speech or writing (it is so awesome when an off-comment all of a sudden makes sense)

·      My last post about our church was exactly what I was being asked to speak about. (Interestingly, I wrote three different posts that day, but when I finished that one I could feel God saying, “post this one”)

·      Yes my Heavenly Father knows that writing is how I best gather my thoughts and since He knew from the very beginning the plans He had for me, He helped me write before He had me speak. (And I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to write that post without the pressure of knowing that I would also be speaking it)

Yes God through His love, voice and word has brought me to this doorway that I will walk through on Sunday morning. He is stretching me, but not breaking me - I am only speaking for five minutes about a church that I love, and have already written about, before the amazing people that make up our congregation. (Thankfully, He did not choose to plunk me down in an auditorium of thousands for a spontaneous question and answer period!)

So on Saturday night when the nerves and anxiety increase – if for no other reason than my humanity – I will draw upon the power and love of the Spirit that fills me. I will remind myself that, “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

I pray that, within five minutes, I will be able to glorify God and the church that He so loves and that my love for Jesus will shine so very brightly.

I can’t wait to write the update post!

Our Church

Today at church our pastor mentioned two interesting statistics. The first was, 7 out of 10 Canadians believe that Jesus is the Son of God, that He died on the cross for our sins and was raised from the grave. I must say I was a bit shocked that the number was even that high. The second statistic was that only 2 out 10 Canadians regularly attend church. That number simply saddened me. It got me thinking about my journey to our amazing church.

Once I accepted Jesus into my life and opened my Bible I became more and more convicted that, once I was discharged from the psych ward, we needed to find a church that we could commit to and grow with. So I began praying. I asked our Heavenly Father to guide me to the church that He knew was best for our family. I prayed for a church that supported families and welcomed children and that it would be a  “healthy church”. I put “healthy church” in quotes because I had no idea what that meant or why I was praying for it – it was simply put onto my lips. So there I was waiting and listening for God to show me the way to the church He had planned for me.

A few days later I was talking with my nurse, a nurse that was only assigned to me twice during twelve-weeks of hospitalization, and I just happened to mention that I was looking for a family-friendly church. She began to tell me that she was attending a church close to my home that had a wonderful children’s program. So, I tucked that information into the back of my mind and kept my heart open to other possibilities (in our community there is pretty much a church on every corner!). But nothing else was really coming forth. On the Sunday after I was discharged, my husband and I were debating between two churches – the one mentioned by the nurse and another that a friend attended. We decided to try the nurse’s recommendation.

Now I will say that for new-believers walking into a new church is an incredibly scary and overwhelming process. You feel as if you are wearing a giant “N” around your neck. You feel like everyone around you knows everything and you know nothing. You feel completely and utterly out of place. However, the moment I walked through the door of our church I was filled with such an incredible sense of peace – I instantly felt at home – I was where God wanted me.

We were greeted by one of the children’s pastors whose love for Jesus shines so brightly. She helped make all four of us feel so comfortable. When we walked into the sanctuary seeing that the two back rows were reserved for “families with young children”, I further relaxed – at least they recognized that my kids probably were going to fidget and squirm, which helped lower my anxiety. When the worship team began singing, each song was one I had repeatedly heard on the radio station (the only radio station) I could get while I was in the hospital. During the break between worship and the sermon our children went into their Sunday school classes like fish to water and we got to enjoy a free specialty drink from the coffee bar (something so simple, but honestly when you know no one, waiting for a coffee makes you feel a little less lost). Then the sermon began and the series was titled “The Emotionally Healthy Christian”. When I heard that title my jaw literally dropped! God, without a doubt, wanted me in this church. And finally when we picked the kids up from Sunday school our daughter looked at me and said, “This church actually taught me about Jesus!” well that sealed the deal – we had found our home church in just one Sunday.

Now it took a process until we felt completely relaxed and at home. But with time and God’s love and grace we have become completely relaxed. We have moved from the back row to the third row, center. Our kids know the routine and the expectations and are respectful during the worship time. We have been blessed with so many friends that my heart overflows with love.  My son and I know exactly where we will be on a Tuesday morning – Mom and Me playgroup. Receiving an e-mail to RSVP for Parent’s-Night-Off – a free evening of childcare – is always exciting and appreciated. I love supporting our Women’s Ministry, which brings all generations of women together to support and learn from each other. Over the past two years we have been part of two different home small-groups that have allowed us to grow as Christians. I love each sermon, and yes I eagerly take notes, loving and drinking up everything I learn about God, His love and His plans.  

God without a doubt answered my prayer quickly and faithfully because He wants me to be in fellowship with other believers. I need others to help me grow in my faith. Though we are individuals, we still belong to one another. So in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.” (Romans 12:5).

God blessed me by opening my eyes, ears and heart to our church. He blessed me by not letting my anxiety stop me from entering our church He blessed me by turning off all the excuses the world gives us for why church just won’t work for our busy lives. Yes I am blessed that I am one of the 2 in 10 Canadians that attends church.

Psalm 23 - yes God you have my attention!

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord

forever.

Okay there are times in our life when the same message keeps repeating itself over and over to the point that we have no choice but to stop and listen. On four different occasions over the past two weeks psalms 23 has been brought to me and I have been left thinking that this is far more than a coincidence, this is absolutely God speaking to me. This psalm has been lovingly gift-wrapped by our incredible Father and delivered to me by Him, as a gift to help and guide me through this difficult time of relapse. He is showing me the power and truth of His Living Word.

First, after my last post, a faithful and dear friend messaged me and quoted psalm 23 as a prayer for me. Praying that I would find comfort from His staff, be led to still waters and that He would refresh my soul. Secondly, during my psychiatrist’s appointment, she looked at me as said “you know the psalm with ‘He will lead me to still waters’ – right now I’m seeing the image of a golden stream.” Yep, I got goose bumps! Thirdly, every so often our church holds a Saturday night event of extended worship called “The Well”. When I arrived we received a sheet of paper to help guide our meditation. Want to guess which passage of scripture was written on that sheet of paper? Yep, psalm 23!!! I think it was by the grace of God I didn’t faint right then and there.  So here I was on a Saturday night, “drinking from God’s Well” and meditating and applying Psalm 23 to my life. At this point I had no doubt that God was clearly and loudly telling me “FOCUS ON PSALM 23!!” Finally, as I spoke with a mom at our church’s mom’s group, she began to tell me that she would be teaching the preschool Sunday school group some new songs at the end of April based on PSALM 23!

So four different times, four different people, yet always the same passage. God definitely had my attention.

But, what exactly was God trying to tell me through this psalm?

Just before the long weekend my doctor called to check in with me. As we spoke I explained that my mood was about the same, but the fatigue seemed to be getting worse and I was becoming extremely frustrated. She then said something incredibly important. She reminded me that I could not become consumed with anger or fear. I paused and let that sink in. I could honestly respond that I was not angry. I was not angry with God, myself, my kids or even the whole situation. This was a very good sign for me, since at the beginning of my journey, anger was a very dominating and destructive emotion.

However, when I thought about fear, I realized I had a much different answer. I was becoming consumed by fear. I’m so afraid that I will not get better. I’m afraid of the “damage” I’m causing my kids and my relationship with them. I’m afraid of how much my husband can really handle. I’m afraid of the decisions that will have to be made regarding work if I don’t improve by September. I’m afraid of how I will work once I return should a relapse happen at that point. I'm afraid of the burden I'm putting on my mom. I'm afraid of how friends will react. I’m afraid that God is showing and telling me the way to healing, but I’m blind and deaf to His words. I’m completely afraid of this valley.

When I think about all of those fears, Psalm 23 begins to make a whole lot of sense.  Each line puts light on what seems to be a dark valley.

My LORD knows all of my needs and He will provide me with every thing I need for my journey on this Earth. I always describe my dark days as valleys, but perhaps I need to begin to see beyond the shadows and look out at the beautiful and fruitful green pastures that exist. Also, realizing that “He makes me lie down” is so important. Perhaps the fatigue is God’s loving way of saying “rest” to a stubborn soul. And of course only He can restore my soul. I need to drink from His well – His golden stream. He is my all in all. Yes He knows the path and the plans He has for me and they are for good. The path may be challenging, but I walk it because of His great love. Despite all the fears I have been able to conjure up, the truth is my God is walking with me. I am never alone. He has angels protecting me. I do not need to fear evil, for my God can and will deliver me from it. My enemies at this point are depression and fatigue, but God even in their presence sits me down and allows me to rest. And yes my cup overflows. I can still see all of the blessings He has poured into my cup – my husband, our children, our moms, our friends and most of all the gift of Jesus. God is always willing to pour out His mercy and grace on me, despite all my earthly flaws. He will never forget me. My life will be marked by His love, goodness and presence. He holds my future. And yes, one day I too will rise, like my Savior, and dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

It has been a week of reading and rereading and meditating on psalm 23. I can truthfully say that my mood is improving in leaps and bounds and the fatigue is relinquishing its hold on me. This valley has truly taught me the power of the Bible and my need not only to read it, but also to apply it and to live it. His Word needs to be tucked in my heart for it is such an incredible source of strength and healing. God has once again shown me His bottomless love – though the lessons may hurt, the growth is always worth it. Yes, the LORD is my Shepherd.

Trust in the Lord With All Your Heart

For those that read this blog and know the power of prayer, I humbly ask for your prayers tonight.

To say it has been a tough week is an understatement. The truth is the depression and fatigue have returned – oh how I hate even uttering that truth (or in this case typing it). It plain and simply sucks! It is certainly not to the depths that I have experienced in my darkest moments, but it is tough nevertheless.

I was so determined that this would not happen. I honestly and faithfully believed that I could control this from happening – that if I stayed close to God, filled my heart and mind with His Word, stayed connected to the many friends God has brought into my life and held my dear family close, I would avoid this stumble. But as so many know, there is simply no plan or formula for avoiding difficult times. Sometimes we simply have to walk the path that God knows is best.

So today I cling to the cross with empty hands. I have nothing to bring but my complete faith in Jesus (which is all God ever wants from me). At the cross I kneel begging God to work His way through me. Knowing that His promise to never leave me nor forsake me is absolutely true.

Right now I am reminded of the first time I felt that God had forgotten me. When I was left asking, “Really God?”

I had been making mediocre progress, at best, during my second hospital stay. I was under the care of a psychiatrist whose bedside manner left something to be desired and I was so over-medicated that I constantly felt that I had attended some drunken frat party the night before.

On this particular day, my assigned psychiatrist came into my room and said that I was being stubborn and not allowing the medications to do their job. From my point-of-view, complacently swallowing the pills was my part of the bargain, but she obviously saw things differently. She told me that since I was making no progress and was “untreatable” she was discharging me from the hospital.

I lost it, at least the best that my inebriated-self could, and begged not to be discharged. She told me her decision was made and that she would be filling in the paperwork. I called my amazing husband who immediately left work and met with the head of psychiatry and tried so hard to get me readmitted. Courtesy of a good deal of red tape he was unsuccessful, but we were told, on the side, to return in a couple of days when a different psychiatrist was on-call and have me readmitted then.

So we packed up my room, received my long list of prescriptions to fill at the local pharmacy and left the ward in a state of shock and frustration. We drove to the local supermarket to fill the prescriptions and then walked across the parking lot to have lunch.

As we walked, I spoke to God in anger (albeit silent anger). My rant went something along the lines of, “Really God! This is what I get for putting my faith in You!!!! You know this isn’t right. How can I trust You! I may have felt You that night when I asked You into my life, but where are You now??? I give up!!!” As we entered the restaurant, I let go of my rant and began to look over the menu.

And then God showed His amazing love and grace with the ring of a cell phone. When I picked up the phone I heard the voice that pretty much could have been an angel! On the other end was a psychiatrist my family doctor and I were desperately trying to get into contact with. As she spoke and listened to me, I was literally in awe of the contrast - her voice, tone, approach and concern was in stark contrast to the wrath I experienced from the other doctor just hours earlier. This psychiatrist was literally the answer to my prayers.

When I hung up I was sitting outside the restaurant and I looked up and said aloud, “You are so good!” That moment gave me a lasting memory that even when things make no sense to me, God is working His plan for my life. I learned in that moment that I do not need to understand everything, have control over everything or even know what waits around the next corner. I can simply “trust the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding” (Proverbs 3:6). For the Lord’s plans are greater than mine.

You see this doctor would not take me on unless I was an outpatient, so when she asked me if I was still in the hospital I could honestly answer “no”, something I could not have said had that cell phone rang only 2 hours before. God’s love was shown through the anger and hurtful words of that doctor as she made the radical decision to discharge a suicidal patient. It made no sense to any of us at the time, but it was God’s will.

This amazing psychiatrist initially agreed to see me for a two-appointment assessment, which I was completely grateful for. However, we both felt a deep connection during those two appointments, and she agreed to see me weekly if I was willing to make the 90-minute commute each way to see her. I have never missed an appointment in 18-months and I have always driven with a grateful heart! My initial assessment of her proved to be so accurate, she has been nothing short of a God-blessing. A blessing that showed me God’s love, mercy, grace and greatness. When I look back on my journey I count this as Miracle #2 (#1 is the steps I took to let Jesus into my life)

How awesome is it that we pray to a God where we can let off a rant like I did and yet He still executes His plans with love.

So tonight as I live the reality of a depressed mood and an aching fatigue I cling to His truths and all the ways He has shown me His love during this journey. I wait with anticipation to see His plans unfold.

Newton's Third Law

Newton’s Third Law of Physics states, “That for every action there will be an equal and opposite reaction” and right now I am feeling that this law is not only applicable to the physical world, but also to the emotional world.

You see, we just got back two days ago from a family vacation to San Diego. I had the most wonderful time learning about God’s amazing creations at Sea World and the San Diego Zoo, laughing and screaming on the rides at Legoland and Knott’s Berry Farm, speeding around go-cart tracks, appreciating my freedom as we toured the USS Midway and simply relishing in the quality time we got to spend as a family. There were many times during the nine days were I simply thanked God for my life; that I am alive to experience such precious moments with my husband and children. For nine days I felt as if I was walking on air. There were no beds to make, no meals to cook, no errands to run. All I had to do was enjoy myself – to feel the joy, appreciation and gratitude that filled each moment and oh how I rose to that challenge.

Today, however, I feel that my emotions have entered into that “equal and opposite” zone. My mood has been so low it hurts. I have spent the day curled up in bed hoping the hours will just pass quickly. I have felt detached and unmotivated. I have felt the complete opposite of what I felt two days ago.

The difficult part is that this seems to have become a pattern. For the past three years I go through the same slump after our family vacations. It is as if my body needs a depressed episode to regulate itself or find its equilibrium.  I could add another diagnosis to my medical chart: post-vacation depression!

This year, I was so optimistic that the pattern would not repeat, but unfortunately it has. However, I can feel a difference in how I am approaching these unwanted feelings. For one, after learning at the zoo how God created each animal so uniquely and with such love, Matthew 6:26 resonates with my heart, “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Yes I believe the truth of that passage! God will take care of me if I allow myself to follow Him. Also, the incredible period of wellness that I experienced prior to the vacation has given me the ability to trust the ebb and flow of emotions.

Okay, I just need to share this bit, because I think it is pretty cool …….

Before I started writing I was lying in bed and praying for God to show me the right direction, the way to a better tomorrow when I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to blog. Now my first thought was, “I’m not blogging when I feel lousy and anyways I’m way too tired and exhausted to blog.” ….. So, I got up and put a loaf of cinnamon raisin bread in the bread maker so it would be ready when I wake up (hey! warm carbs in the morning seemed like a much better and more sensible pick-me-up than writing!) But even after I measured out all the ingredients and programmed the timer, I still had that nagging feeling to blog. Now, my walk through the valley and up the mountainside has taught me to listen to that nagging. And so, as you know since you are reading this, I actually blogged and guess what?! My mood is lifting!!! Yes, God loves me more than the birds in the sky. He knows that my heart and mind heal through writing and that is where He led me – all I had to do was listen and act. 

Oh how I love an answered prayer! 

The Healing Hands of God!

HEALING – for so many days of my journey through mental illness I truly believed that healing was impossible - an elusive and impossible dream. For over two years, I put my hope in medications, therapy models and eventually God. As I noted in a previous post, running into God’s widespread open arms that wonderful evening brought me peace, but it did not bring me the healing my family, friends, doctors and I so desperately desired. My depression and anxiety remained severe and the chronic fatigue was almost unbearable. At times I could feel the veil of the depression and anxiety slowly lift; but the fatigue was so relentless that I couldn’t fully experience the shift in my mood. At times I gave up hope of ever being healed and would ask God to show me a way to live with the burden. But God knew the plans that He had for me from the very beginning and on December 14^th, 2011 He revealed His greatness, His love, His healing hands to me.

What follows is a copy of a message I sent out to some close-friends on January 3, 2011. This message was so exciting to share. It is a message filled with hope, faith and love for my amazing God!

God’s Healing Hands

As we left 2011 behind I got to look back on the year and see healing. 2010 brought me to Christ, the greatest gift I ever received, but 2011 allowed me to feel His healing hands holding me and working through me each day.
As most of you know, severe and chronic fatigue has been the most debilitating part of my illness and from the very beginning I have said that it felt like the root cause of the depression and anxiety; if only we could find a way to cure the fatigue, the depression and anxiety would also cease was my gut-feeling. However, I now know that I was slightly off in my diagnosis - not having Christ as my center, my guide, my Shepherd was the root cause of my illnesses. Yet simply running to His open arms that wonderful September evening was not going to be my cure, He had greater plans for Him and me. God has always had a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11), and I can now see that depression, anxiety and fatigue were part of His plan.
For one, those illnesses made me realize my need for a Savior, they also made me reevaluate my priorities, and they made me deal with parts of my past that I so wanted to keep buried. And of course each illness will have touched and shaped my life in a way only God can see and He will reveal those ways to me when the time is right. As a dear friend wrote a few months ago, “He sees the benefit, even when all I see is the brokenness.”
Over the past year, I have slowly felt the veil of depression and anxiety lift. It has been a slow lifting - and at times so frustratingly slow and often it felt like a lifting and then a re-veiling. I have felt so lost and confused - I have racked my brain wondering, what am I even depressed and anxious about? I have exactly what I have always wanted - a relationship with my Creator, a loving and devoted husband, beautiful and healthy children, an otherwise healthy body, a career that I love and comforts that go well beyond my needs - how could I possibly be depressed when I have so much and others are surviving on so much less and facing so many more hardships. But, I now know, God works in His own sovereign ways.
As the depression and anxiety lifted somewhat, the fatigue remained. And there were so many times when I was left begging God to just let me feel rested, to feel awake enough to appreciate the peace and joy He was bringing back to my life. But, like so many others I felt like God was not hearing me, not listening to me, simply forgetting about me - oh how Satan loves to fill our minds with doubts. However, on my stronger days - which thankfully there were more of - my faith and my hope in God rose above my despair and I remained faithful through prayer.
My prayer was always the same - “God please in Your perfect timing and in Your perfect way give me the energy to live the life that You have planned for me.” And on Dec 14, God answered that prayer. Since Dec. 14, I have not needed a nap. I have felt no pull to lie down, to rest, to sleep. The incredible contrast between Dec. 13 and Dec. 14 is so amazing that only the hands of God could create something so miraculous. I continue to be on 5 medications in which fatigue is listed as the primary side effect and yet I am no longer tired, no longer drained.
For the past two years, I have had to nap every afternoon for at least two hours and often after getting myself ready and Alexis off to school I have needed an hour nap in the morning, so this transformation is simply a miracle.
To sit down after putting the kids to bed and still feel like I have energy goes beyond anything I could have conceptualized or imagined, it goes beyond what I even prayed for. This morning as I was going through my personal Bible study, I came across this passage in Ephesians 3:20, “Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.” How incredible it is that God would lead me to that passage after I just wrote the previous sentence! This healing is more than I could have dreamed of, imagined or even prayed for.
The greatness of our God is so often shown in how He answers our prayers. When He says “yes”, He does so in a way that He cannot be missed by those who know Him. In my case, the transformation was so dramatic that credit could not be given to a new medication, the hands of doctors, some new food or supplement, a new exercise routine - no the change, the gift, could only be caused by the One that created this world, the only One capable of miracles. Glory to God!
I can honestly say that I am reveling in God’s greatness and His love. Each afternoon where I have read my children books, played games, had a tea party, painted nails with my daughter, put together puzzles, cuddled as a family while watching a movie, constructed Lego, played a family game of Wii, talked with my husband, soaked in the hot tub or even cleaned a room, I have praised our Lord. “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” (Psalms 30:11), yes indeed I have been clothed in joy these past weeks.
For everyone who has prayed for my family and me these past years, thank you. "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up (James 5:15). I am so grateful for this chapter. I do not know what lies ahead - whether the depression, anxiety or fatigue will return in the enormity that I once felt it or if it is finally behind me or somewhere in between - but, I do find such comfort in knowing that I will not be walking alone - God will always be walking with me, will always be listening.

“But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

God has worked a multitude of miracles in my life since I made the decision to put my Faith and Hope in Him. God led me to share this "big one" first, but He was working equally important miracles every step of my journey. Future posts will show these smaller miracles. It is a series of posts I am so excited to be writing!

Troubles, Hardships and Tribulations: Promises I Don't Want!

"Life is good, love is sweet, and time seems like it'll last forever. But it won't. It never does." Karen Kingsbury. 

At first those words sting - I so want life to stay good and sweet and this moment to last forever. At times I feel that if I just stomp my feet, clench my fists and hold my breath I will forever remain on this beautiful mountain top. Never slipping, never entering another valley. I'm willing to acknowledge all that I gained from my walk in the valley and praise God for His goodness, but honestly I don't want to go back into that valley or any other valley for that matter. I want my mountain top!

God's Word promises us a lot of things, but two things really stick out for me today. The first promise, that by accepting Jesus as the Son of God we are saved from death, is a promise, not surprisingly, that sits quite comfortably with me. Yet, the second promise, the promise that each of us will face troubles, hardships and tribulations in this world, is a promise that pretty much makes me want to throw a good-old temper tantrum.

I want to cry out to God, begging Him to keep the troubles, hardships and tribulations away from me and just let me live this good and sweet life. Despite knowing first-hand, "that for those who love God all things work together for good" (Romans 8:28). I still hate the thought that I will face new pain, sorrow and grief in the future, even if it does bring about good things. However, when I tuck James 1:2-4 into my heart I feel comfort, "count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." Simply knowing that God has a plan for my life and is working good things through me does bring me peace.

This past Sunday at church we concluded our church-wide series in which we studied Jesus' teachings during the Sermon on the Mount. This week looked at Matthew 7:24-27 where Jesus compares the wise man who built his house on the rock and the foolish man who built his house on the sand. Both men face the same rain, winds and floods - troubles, hardships and tribulations - but only the house built by the wise man remains standing. It was his foundation - his decision to listen to Jesus and follow His plan for his life - that made the difference.

There are so many Sundays that I sit in church and wonder if our pastor is speaking directly to me. For the past couple of weeks I have been so clearly hearing God telling me that I need to use this time in my healing process to cultivate good habits - to make sure my house is built on solid rock. God has clearly laid out a plan for me that keeps me mentally healthy. I know I need to read and study the Bible daily, pray daily, take my medications, workout, keep the house tidy, play with my kids, spend time with my husband and connect with friends. And yet, there are days when I think I can do things my way or that something else is more important and should take priority. At best it works for a couple of days, but most of the time I crumble very quickly. But when I follow God's plan I feel strong and secure - I feel healthy.

Yesterday, my foundation got a good inspection. I hadn't been working out regularly, I let skiing and a birthday party take over my bible and prayer time, the house was looking similar to a disaster zone and I wasn't making room in my schedule for quality time with my family. And then to top it all off I forgot to take my morning medication!

By the time my husband got home at 4:30 I was a wreck. My mood was so low that I could barely speak. Everything that did come out of my mouth was negative. My body physically ached. And all I wanted was to be left alone and mope in my own sadness. I had actually forgotten the true painfulness of depression. Feeling so low, so moody, so irritable is such a painful experience. My mind instantly went to thinking, "Oh here is the fall from the mountain. I knew this would happen. I'm back to being depressed. I'm incapable of staying healthy, so what's the point." With depression, your very own mind is your greatest enemy - not your medications, situation, hormones or chemicals. Those thoughts, if I had let them, could have easily won, easily become my reality.

But that is where my foundation passed the test! I did escape to my bedroom - not to mope, but rather to talk with my Creator. I reached for His loving hands and prayed for His help in weathering this storm. During our talk I could hear God saying, "Go back to our plan, you know your priorities so live them everyday. Remember I will never leave you nor forsake you." Oh the comfort and peace His voice brings to my soul.

So I went to bed and made sure I set my alarm so I would have enough time to shower, eat breakfast, clean the kitchen and workout before taking my daughter to school. Once I got back home I reached for my Bible and then prayed. I connected with a friend while my son played at our church play group.  And I have plans to connect with my kids and husband this afternoon and evening. My priorities are aligned with my heart - with God's plan. Because of the foundation I have built with Jesus, I was able to weather the storm of one bad day. It did not destroy me like it could so easily have done. But instead, I awoke this morning feeling healthy and ready to face the day - God had breathed new life into my tired body. No my house did not crumble, for it is not built on sand.

I also know that with each bible verse I read, each scripture I memorize, each sermon I listen to, each prayer I speak and each answer I receive I am gaining wisdom regarding how God intends me to live my life. And when I focus on implementing that wisdom my foundation can only become stronger, the rock that my house is built upon actually gets harder. And that is the gift of faith!

The Fruits of the Spirit

"Mountaintops are for views and inspiration, but fruit is grown in the valleys." Billy Graham

I've been thinking recently about this amazing mountain top Jesus has led me to. The view is absolutely amazing, breathtaking actually. I can see all that God has created - the majesty of His creation. I can so clearly see the gifts He has bestowed upon me - mainly my family, my friends, our church and of course Him. A huge part of me would love to simply praise and worship from this mountain top, never again looking back down into that valley, but that is not God's plan for me and my journey. 

Remembering that fruit grows in the valley is incredibly important for me. For so long, it felt as if there was no goodness in that valley of mental illness. I walked through the valley with my head hung low and my eyes cast down; and therefore, I could not see those beautiful fruit trees.  Galatians 5:22-23 tells us that, "the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control." I love the image of of a "love tree", a "joy tree", a"peace tree",  a "patience tree", "a kindness tree", and a "goodness tree" and a "self-control tree" standing tall in that valley. I can picture Jesus and I walking together, slowly gathering the fruits of those trees. At the time my eyes were so clouded, I could not see the fruits my Savior was plucking from each tree and placing in my basket, but He didn't care that I was not noticing for He was working simply out of love.  

As we reached the bottom of the mountain we began to meander up the side. Many days it felt as if we were taking one step forward, two steps back. The burden often felt just too much to bear, but then I could hear Jesus saying, "take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul" (Matthew 11:29) and so I trusted Him, obeyed Him and followed Him. The higher we climbed the lighter my load felt, the heaviness of my eyes began to fade and I could see more and more clearer. And eventually we reached the top of the mountain. 

Reaching that mountain top has allowed me to see firsthand the beautiful fruits that we gathered in the valley. Now I can feel them alive within me, for the Holy Spirit is alive within me.  Looking down I can now see those glorious trees, which is why I can honestly say the walk through the valley was completely worth it. 

Looking back, I can see the growth, the knowledge, the gifts of that valley- I can now see what God saw before the journey even began! And that is what makes every painful step a blessing.

A Thank You for Valentines Day

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Well for Valentine's Day it seemed fitting that I write this long-overdue post - a thank you to my husband; who taught me that this passage of scripture is in fact achievable. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 was read at our wedding and although I thought it was beautiful, it also seemed impossible. However, through five years of dating, 10 years of marriage, 2 children, 2 homes, careers and a journey through mental illness my husband, the man God created just for me, has shown me in so many ways what this passage looks like when it is lived out.
 During the darkness of depression my husband faced a wife each day that:

• would spend twelve to fourteen hours each day locked in a bedroom sleeping
• showed little interest in her children
• could not hold a conversation
• was irritable and short-tempered 
• when awake preferred reading or computer games over being with the family
• had no motivation to make a meal or do anything else around the house 
• saw no reason for living and was often highly suicidal

Yet despite all of that negativity, my incredible husband was never rude nor self-seeking. He believed in the core of his being that I would heal, that the wife he married would return.

His patience will always awe me. For nearly two-years he walked along side me - supporting me, loving me. He always treated me with kindness and always put my interest, my health and our family before his needs. 

I know he often felt so lonely; desperately wanting the laughter and companionship to return to our home. But, he never complained, never kept a record of wrongs. He took care of what needed to be done with our home and children and then supported me in whatever way he could.

I got to see how protective he was of me - the true depths of his love. My safety, my life, was his greatest concern. After the suicide attempt he refused to allow me near my medications, never willing to take that risk again. When I was discharged from the hospital while still suicidal he immediately left work, raced to the hospital and while driving had organized a meeting with the head of psychiatry. He fought for over an hour to have me readmitted. 

People often would tell him that they were shocked by his support or that most husbands would have left by now. He would always respond along the lines of, "No way, I'm doing what is right, what is love". He was never boastful to me or others about his sacrifices - they were simply acts of love that did not need to be recognized - he kept no record of wrongs.


He has always persevered, always trusted, always hoped that together we would reach the point of healing. We are now here and how sweet it is!

So dear husband of mine, thank you. Thank you for loving me the way God intended, for being everything that love is, during such a difficult time. I love you! Happy Valentines Day.