Trust in the Lord With All Your Heart

For those that read this blog and know the power of prayer, I humbly ask for your prayers tonight.

To say it has been a tough week is an understatement. The truth is the depression and fatigue have returned – oh how I hate even uttering that truth (or in this case typing it). It plain and simply sucks! It is certainly not to the depths that I have experienced in my darkest moments, but it is tough nevertheless.

I was so determined that this would not happen. I honestly and faithfully believed that I could control this from happening – that if I stayed close to God, filled my heart and mind with His Word, stayed connected to the many friends God has brought into my life and held my dear family close, I would avoid this stumble. But as so many know, there is simply no plan or formula for avoiding difficult times. Sometimes we simply have to walk the path that God knows is best.

So today I cling to the cross with empty hands. I have nothing to bring but my complete faith in Jesus (which is all God ever wants from me). At the cross I kneel begging God to work His way through me. Knowing that His promise to never leave me nor forsake me is absolutely true.

Right now I am reminded of the first time I felt that God had forgotten me. When I was left asking, “Really God?”

I had been making mediocre progress, at best, during my second hospital stay. I was under the care of a psychiatrist whose bedside manner left something to be desired and I was so over-medicated that I constantly felt that I had attended some drunken frat party the night before.

On this particular day, my assigned psychiatrist came into my room and said that I was being stubborn and not allowing the medications to do their job. From my point-of-view, complacently swallowing the pills was my part of the bargain, but she obviously saw things differently. She told me that since I was making no progress and was “untreatable” she was discharging me from the hospital.

I lost it, at least the best that my inebriated-self could, and begged not to be discharged. She told me her decision was made and that she would be filling in the paperwork. I called my amazing husband who immediately left work and met with the head of psychiatry and tried so hard to get me readmitted. Courtesy of a good deal of red tape he was unsuccessful, but we were told, on the side, to return in a couple of days when a different psychiatrist was on-call and have me readmitted then.

So we packed up my room, received my long list of prescriptions to fill at the local pharmacy and left the ward in a state of shock and frustration. We drove to the local supermarket to fill the prescriptions and then walked across the parking lot to have lunch.

As we walked, I spoke to God in anger (albeit silent anger). My rant went something along the lines of, “Really God! This is what I get for putting my faith in You!!!! You know this isn’t right. How can I trust You! I may have felt You that night when I asked You into my life, but where are You now??? I give up!!!” As we entered the restaurant, I let go of my rant and began to look over the menu.

And then God showed His amazing love and grace with the ring of a cell phone. When I picked up the phone I heard the voice that pretty much could have been an angel! On the other end was a psychiatrist my family doctor and I were desperately trying to get into contact with. As she spoke and listened to me, I was literally in awe of the contrast - her voice, tone, approach and concern was in stark contrast to the wrath I experienced from the other doctor just hours earlier. This psychiatrist was literally the answer to my prayers.

When I hung up I was sitting outside the restaurant and I looked up and said aloud, “You are so good!” That moment gave me a lasting memory that even when things make no sense to me, God is working His plan for my life. I learned in that moment that I do not need to understand everything, have control over everything or even know what waits around the next corner. I can simply “trust the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding” (Proverbs 3:6). For the Lord’s plans are greater than mine.

You see this doctor would not take me on unless I was an outpatient, so when she asked me if I was still in the hospital I could honestly answer “no”, something I could not have said had that cell phone rang only 2 hours before. God’s love was shown through the anger and hurtful words of that doctor as she made the radical decision to discharge a suicidal patient. It made no sense to any of us at the time, but it was God’s will.

This amazing psychiatrist initially agreed to see me for a two-appointment assessment, which I was completely grateful for. However, we both felt a deep connection during those two appointments, and she agreed to see me weekly if I was willing to make the 90-minute commute each way to see her. I have never missed an appointment in 18-months and I have always driven with a grateful heart! My initial assessment of her proved to be so accurate, she has been nothing short of a God-blessing. A blessing that showed me God’s love, mercy, grace and greatness. When I look back on my journey I count this as Miracle #2 (#1 is the steps I took to let Jesus into my life)

How awesome is it that we pray to a God where we can let off a rant like I did and yet He still executes His plans with love.

So tonight as I live the reality of a depressed mood and an aching fatigue I cling to His truths and all the ways He has shown me His love during this journey. I wait with anticipation to see His plans unfold.

Newton's Third Law

Newton’s Third Law of Physics states, “That for every action there will be an equal and opposite reaction” and right now I am feeling that this law is not only applicable to the physical world, but also to the emotional world.

You see, we just got back two days ago from a family vacation to San Diego. I had the most wonderful time learning about God’s amazing creations at Sea World and the San Diego Zoo, laughing and screaming on the rides at Legoland and Knott’s Berry Farm, speeding around go-cart tracks, appreciating my freedom as we toured the USS Midway and simply relishing in the quality time we got to spend as a family. There were many times during the nine days were I simply thanked God for my life; that I am alive to experience such precious moments with my husband and children. For nine days I felt as if I was walking on air. There were no beds to make, no meals to cook, no errands to run. All I had to do was enjoy myself – to feel the joy, appreciation and gratitude that filled each moment and oh how I rose to that challenge.

Today, however, I feel that my emotions have entered into that “equal and opposite” zone. My mood has been so low it hurts. I have spent the day curled up in bed hoping the hours will just pass quickly. I have felt detached and unmotivated. I have felt the complete opposite of what I felt two days ago.

The difficult part is that this seems to have become a pattern. For the past three years I go through the same slump after our family vacations. It is as if my body needs a depressed episode to regulate itself or find its equilibrium.  I could add another diagnosis to my medical chart: post-vacation depression!

This year, I was so optimistic that the pattern would not repeat, but unfortunately it has. However, I can feel a difference in how I am approaching these unwanted feelings. For one, after learning at the zoo how God created each animal so uniquely and with such love, Matthew 6:26 resonates with my heart, “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Yes I believe the truth of that passage! God will take care of me if I allow myself to follow Him. Also, the incredible period of wellness that I experienced prior to the vacation has given me the ability to trust the ebb and flow of emotions.

Okay, I just need to share this bit, because I think it is pretty cool …….

Before I started writing I was lying in bed and praying for God to show me the right direction, the way to a better tomorrow when I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to blog. Now my first thought was, “I’m not blogging when I feel lousy and anyways I’m way too tired and exhausted to blog.” ….. So, I got up and put a loaf of cinnamon raisin bread in the bread maker so it would be ready when I wake up (hey! warm carbs in the morning seemed like a much better and more sensible pick-me-up than writing!) But even after I measured out all the ingredients and programmed the timer, I still had that nagging feeling to blog. Now, my walk through the valley and up the mountainside has taught me to listen to that nagging. And so, as you know since you are reading this, I actually blogged and guess what?! My mood is lifting!!! Yes, God loves me more than the birds in the sky. He knows that my heart and mind heal through writing and that is where He led me – all I had to do was listen and act. 

Oh how I love an answered prayer! 

The Healing Hands of God!

HEALING – for so many days of my journey through mental illness I truly believed that healing was impossible - an elusive and impossible dream. For over two years, I put my hope in medications, therapy models and eventually God. As I noted in a previous post, running into God’s widespread open arms that wonderful evening brought me peace, but it did not bring me the healing my family, friends, doctors and I so desperately desired. My depression and anxiety remained severe and the chronic fatigue was almost unbearable. At times I could feel the veil of the depression and anxiety slowly lift; but the fatigue was so relentless that I couldn’t fully experience the shift in my mood. At times I gave up hope of ever being healed and would ask God to show me a way to live with the burden. But God knew the plans that He had for me from the very beginning and on December 14^th, 2011 He revealed His greatness, His love, His healing hands to me.

What follows is a copy of a message I sent out to some close-friends on January 3, 2011. This message was so exciting to share. It is a message filled with hope, faith and love for my amazing God!

God’s Healing Hands

As we left 2011 behind I got to look back on the year and see healing. 2010 brought me to Christ, the greatest gift I ever received, but 2011 allowed me to feel His healing hands holding me and working through me each day.
As most of you know, severe and chronic fatigue has been the most debilitating part of my illness and from the very beginning I have said that it felt like the root cause of the depression and anxiety; if only we could find a way to cure the fatigue, the depression and anxiety would also cease was my gut-feeling. However, I now know that I was slightly off in my diagnosis - not having Christ as my center, my guide, my Shepherd was the root cause of my illnesses. Yet simply running to His open arms that wonderful September evening was not going to be my cure, He had greater plans for Him and me. God has always had a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11), and I can now see that depression, anxiety and fatigue were part of His plan.
For one, those illnesses made me realize my need for a Savior, they also made me reevaluate my priorities, and they made me deal with parts of my past that I so wanted to keep buried. And of course each illness will have touched and shaped my life in a way only God can see and He will reveal those ways to me when the time is right. As a dear friend wrote a few months ago, “He sees the benefit, even when all I see is the brokenness.”
Over the past year, I have slowly felt the veil of depression and anxiety lift. It has been a slow lifting - and at times so frustratingly slow and often it felt like a lifting and then a re-veiling. I have felt so lost and confused - I have racked my brain wondering, what am I even depressed and anxious about? I have exactly what I have always wanted - a relationship with my Creator, a loving and devoted husband, beautiful and healthy children, an otherwise healthy body, a career that I love and comforts that go well beyond my needs - how could I possibly be depressed when I have so much and others are surviving on so much less and facing so many more hardships. But, I now know, God works in His own sovereign ways.
As the depression and anxiety lifted somewhat, the fatigue remained. And there were so many times when I was left begging God to just let me feel rested, to feel awake enough to appreciate the peace and joy He was bringing back to my life. But, like so many others I felt like God was not hearing me, not listening to me, simply forgetting about me - oh how Satan loves to fill our minds with doubts. However, on my stronger days - which thankfully there were more of - my faith and my hope in God rose above my despair and I remained faithful through prayer.
My prayer was always the same - “God please in Your perfect timing and in Your perfect way give me the energy to live the life that You have planned for me.” And on Dec 14, God answered that prayer. Since Dec. 14, I have not needed a nap. I have felt no pull to lie down, to rest, to sleep. The incredible contrast between Dec. 13 and Dec. 14 is so amazing that only the hands of God could create something so miraculous. I continue to be on 5 medications in which fatigue is listed as the primary side effect and yet I am no longer tired, no longer drained.
For the past two years, I have had to nap every afternoon for at least two hours and often after getting myself ready and Alexis off to school I have needed an hour nap in the morning, so this transformation is simply a miracle.
To sit down after putting the kids to bed and still feel like I have energy goes beyond anything I could have conceptualized or imagined, it goes beyond what I even prayed for. This morning as I was going through my personal Bible study, I came across this passage in Ephesians 3:20, “Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.” How incredible it is that God would lead me to that passage after I just wrote the previous sentence! This healing is more than I could have dreamed of, imagined or even prayed for.
The greatness of our God is so often shown in how He answers our prayers. When He says “yes”, He does so in a way that He cannot be missed by those who know Him. In my case, the transformation was so dramatic that credit could not be given to a new medication, the hands of doctors, some new food or supplement, a new exercise routine - no the change, the gift, could only be caused by the One that created this world, the only One capable of miracles. Glory to God!
I can honestly say that I am reveling in God’s greatness and His love. Each afternoon where I have read my children books, played games, had a tea party, painted nails with my daughter, put together puzzles, cuddled as a family while watching a movie, constructed Lego, played a family game of Wii, talked with my husband, soaked in the hot tub or even cleaned a room, I have praised our Lord. “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” (Psalms 30:11), yes indeed I have been clothed in joy these past weeks.
For everyone who has prayed for my family and me these past years, thank you. "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up (James 5:15). I am so grateful for this chapter. I do not know what lies ahead - whether the depression, anxiety or fatigue will return in the enormity that I once felt it or if it is finally behind me or somewhere in between - but, I do find such comfort in knowing that I will not be walking alone - God will always be walking with me, will always be listening.

“But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

God has worked a multitude of miracles in my life since I made the decision to put my Faith and Hope in Him. God led me to share this "big one" first, but He was working equally important miracles every step of my journey. Future posts will show these smaller miracles. It is a series of posts I am so excited to be writing!

Troubles, Hardships and Tribulations: Promises I Don't Want!

"Life is good, love is sweet, and time seems like it'll last forever. But it won't. It never does." Karen Kingsbury. 

At first those words sting - I so want life to stay good and sweet and this moment to last forever. At times I feel that if I just stomp my feet, clench my fists and hold my breath I will forever remain on this beautiful mountain top. Never slipping, never entering another valley. I'm willing to acknowledge all that I gained from my walk in the valley and praise God for His goodness, but honestly I don't want to go back into that valley or any other valley for that matter. I want my mountain top!

God's Word promises us a lot of things, but two things really stick out for me today. The first promise, that by accepting Jesus as the Son of God we are saved from death, is a promise, not surprisingly, that sits quite comfortably with me. Yet, the second promise, the promise that each of us will face troubles, hardships and tribulations in this world, is a promise that pretty much makes me want to throw a good-old temper tantrum.

I want to cry out to God, begging Him to keep the troubles, hardships and tribulations away from me and just let me live this good and sweet life. Despite knowing first-hand, "that for those who love God all things work together for good" (Romans 8:28). I still hate the thought that I will face new pain, sorrow and grief in the future, even if it does bring about good things. However, when I tuck James 1:2-4 into my heart I feel comfort, "count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." Simply knowing that God has a plan for my life and is working good things through me does bring me peace.

This past Sunday at church we concluded our church-wide series in which we studied Jesus' teachings during the Sermon on the Mount. This week looked at Matthew 7:24-27 where Jesus compares the wise man who built his house on the rock and the foolish man who built his house on the sand. Both men face the same rain, winds and floods - troubles, hardships and tribulations - but only the house built by the wise man remains standing. It was his foundation - his decision to listen to Jesus and follow His plan for his life - that made the difference.

There are so many Sundays that I sit in church and wonder if our pastor is speaking directly to me. For the past couple of weeks I have been so clearly hearing God telling me that I need to use this time in my healing process to cultivate good habits - to make sure my house is built on solid rock. God has clearly laid out a plan for me that keeps me mentally healthy. I know I need to read and study the Bible daily, pray daily, take my medications, workout, keep the house tidy, play with my kids, spend time with my husband and connect with friends. And yet, there are days when I think I can do things my way or that something else is more important and should take priority. At best it works for a couple of days, but most of the time I crumble very quickly. But when I follow God's plan I feel strong and secure - I feel healthy.

Yesterday, my foundation got a good inspection. I hadn't been working out regularly, I let skiing and a birthday party take over my bible and prayer time, the house was looking similar to a disaster zone and I wasn't making room in my schedule for quality time with my family. And then to top it all off I forgot to take my morning medication!

By the time my husband got home at 4:30 I was a wreck. My mood was so low that I could barely speak. Everything that did come out of my mouth was negative. My body physically ached. And all I wanted was to be left alone and mope in my own sadness. I had actually forgotten the true painfulness of depression. Feeling so low, so moody, so irritable is such a painful experience. My mind instantly went to thinking, "Oh here is the fall from the mountain. I knew this would happen. I'm back to being depressed. I'm incapable of staying healthy, so what's the point." With depression, your very own mind is your greatest enemy - not your medications, situation, hormones or chemicals. Those thoughts, if I had let them, could have easily won, easily become my reality.

But that is where my foundation passed the test! I did escape to my bedroom - not to mope, but rather to talk with my Creator. I reached for His loving hands and prayed for His help in weathering this storm. During our talk I could hear God saying, "Go back to our plan, you know your priorities so live them everyday. Remember I will never leave you nor forsake you." Oh the comfort and peace His voice brings to my soul.

So I went to bed and made sure I set my alarm so I would have enough time to shower, eat breakfast, clean the kitchen and workout before taking my daughter to school. Once I got back home I reached for my Bible and then prayed. I connected with a friend while my son played at our church play group.  And I have plans to connect with my kids and husband this afternoon and evening. My priorities are aligned with my heart - with God's plan. Because of the foundation I have built with Jesus, I was able to weather the storm of one bad day. It did not destroy me like it could so easily have done. But instead, I awoke this morning feeling healthy and ready to face the day - God had breathed new life into my tired body. No my house did not crumble, for it is not built on sand.

I also know that with each bible verse I read, each scripture I memorize, each sermon I listen to, each prayer I speak and each answer I receive I am gaining wisdom regarding how God intends me to live my life. And when I focus on implementing that wisdom my foundation can only become stronger, the rock that my house is built upon actually gets harder. And that is the gift of faith!

The Fruits of the Spirit

"Mountaintops are for views and inspiration, but fruit is grown in the valleys." Billy Graham

I've been thinking recently about this amazing mountain top Jesus has led me to. The view is absolutely amazing, breathtaking actually. I can see all that God has created - the majesty of His creation. I can so clearly see the gifts He has bestowed upon me - mainly my family, my friends, our church and of course Him. A huge part of me would love to simply praise and worship from this mountain top, never again looking back down into that valley, but that is not God's plan for me and my journey. 

Remembering that fruit grows in the valley is incredibly important for me. For so long, it felt as if there was no goodness in that valley of mental illness. I walked through the valley with my head hung low and my eyes cast down; and therefore, I could not see those beautiful fruit trees.  Galatians 5:22-23 tells us that, "the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self-control." I love the image of of a "love tree", a "joy tree", a"peace tree",  a "patience tree", "a kindness tree", and a "goodness tree" and a "self-control tree" standing tall in that valley. I can picture Jesus and I walking together, slowly gathering the fruits of those trees. At the time my eyes were so clouded, I could not see the fruits my Savior was plucking from each tree and placing in my basket, but He didn't care that I was not noticing for He was working simply out of love.  

As we reached the bottom of the mountain we began to meander up the side. Many days it felt as if we were taking one step forward, two steps back. The burden often felt just too much to bear, but then I could hear Jesus saying, "take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul" (Matthew 11:29) and so I trusted Him, obeyed Him and followed Him. The higher we climbed the lighter my load felt, the heaviness of my eyes began to fade and I could see more and more clearer. And eventually we reached the top of the mountain. 

Reaching that mountain top has allowed me to see firsthand the beautiful fruits that we gathered in the valley. Now I can feel them alive within me, for the Holy Spirit is alive within me.  Looking down I can now see those glorious trees, which is why I can honestly say the walk through the valley was completely worth it. 

Looking back, I can see the growth, the knowledge, the gifts of that valley- I can now see what God saw before the journey even began! And that is what makes every painful step a blessing.

A Thank You for Valentines Day

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Well for Valentine's Day it seemed fitting that I write this long-overdue post - a thank you to my husband; who taught me that this passage of scripture is in fact achievable. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 was read at our wedding and although I thought it was beautiful, it also seemed impossible. However, through five years of dating, 10 years of marriage, 2 children, 2 homes, careers and a journey through mental illness my husband, the man God created just for me, has shown me in so many ways what this passage looks like when it is lived out.
 During the darkness of depression my husband faced a wife each day that:

• would spend twelve to fourteen hours each day locked in a bedroom sleeping
• showed little interest in her children
• could not hold a conversation
• was irritable and short-tempered 
• when awake preferred reading or computer games over being with the family
• had no motivation to make a meal or do anything else around the house 
• saw no reason for living and was often highly suicidal

Yet despite all of that negativity, my incredible husband was never rude nor self-seeking. He believed in the core of his being that I would heal, that the wife he married would return.

His patience will always awe me. For nearly two-years he walked along side me - supporting me, loving me. He always treated me with kindness and always put my interest, my health and our family before his needs. 

I know he often felt so lonely; desperately wanting the laughter and companionship to return to our home. But, he never complained, never kept a record of wrongs. He took care of what needed to be done with our home and children and then supported me in whatever way he could.

I got to see how protective he was of me - the true depths of his love. My safety, my life, was his greatest concern. After the suicide attempt he refused to allow me near my medications, never willing to take that risk again. When I was discharged from the hospital while still suicidal he immediately left work, raced to the hospital and while driving had organized a meeting with the head of psychiatry. He fought for over an hour to have me readmitted. 

People often would tell him that they were shocked by his support or that most husbands would have left by now. He would always respond along the lines of, "No way, I'm doing what is right, what is love". He was never boastful to me or others about his sacrifices - they were simply acts of love that did not need to be recognized - he kept no record of wrongs.


He has always persevered, always trusted, always hoped that together we would reach the point of healing. We are now here and how sweet it is!

So dear husband of mine, thank you. Thank you for loving me the way God intended, for being everything that love is, during such a difficult time. I love you! Happy Valentines Day.

How Much is Enough?

So how much is enough?

Jesus instructs us not to focus our attention on worldly possessions, but rather to focus our eyes on heavenly treasures. "Don't store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in an steal. Store up your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust can not destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be" (Matthew 6:19-21). But, in western society the question that begs to be asked is, "How much is enough?"

For me, the most important part of that instruction is the reminder that wherever your treasure is also where your heart is. When I take that instruction and place it beside the knowledge of knowing that God only ever wants what is best for me and that His rules and ways are righteous, I feel a sense of peace. "Righteous are you O LORD, and right are your rules" (Psalms 119:137). I know exactly where I need to focus my attention, my heart.

But what does God expect from us? Are we expected to deny ourselves that new and improved phone, the larger house, the newer vehicle, the exciting vacation, the new wardrobe? Are we expected to follow Mother Teresa's footsteps and give up all worldly possessions except for those required for the most basic of human needs? Is there a limit on the number of functions a phone has, the square footage of a house, the amount in a bank account, the number of shoes in a closet or the size of a TV? If we meet our biblical calling and graciously and joyfully return 10% of our income to the Lord, are we free to spend the remaining 90% any way we see fit? 

For me these questions strike a chord. As I began to fall into depression I took up "retail therapy" as a cure. I looked to Lululemon, the GAP, Banana Republic and the like for happiness. And I will say that each purchase did give me a "high"; unfortunately, that "high" only lasted as long as it took me to walk or drive to the next store. 

God's Word tells us that we will not find true happiness in the ways of this world or through the accumulation of wealth, "Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him" (1 John 2:15) and yet so many of us seek for that one thing that will make life easier, better, perfect.

God created us with a burning desire for connection. He wants us to connect with Him and with each other - not with "things". I realized several months ago that when I studied the Bible daily, prayed regularly, gave generously of my time and resources, spent meaningful time with my husband, children and friends and fully trusted God's plan for my day and life I felt peace and joy. Whereas, on days when I fell away from those habits I became anxious, irritable and I felt a scramble in my mind as I tried to recenter myself. Not surprisingly, the only way I have found to recenter myself is to put myself back into the Word, talk with my Creator and connect with those closest to me. For me, my connection to God and others has been my greatest medicine in my battle against depression and anxiety. Connecting to my God and the wonderful people God has placed in my life is what brings me joy and calm.

During my first hospitalization, I became convinced that we needed to sell our house, so we listed it against my husband's better judgement. I became convinced that it was too big for us and our needs, that it overwhelmed me, and that a smaller home would solve all of my problems, or at least most of them. On three different occasions the sale of our home fell through on the final day. The highs and lows of that experience were draining. Finally, I fell to my knees, bowed my head and plainly asked God, "please just show me where you want me to live." God, instantly responded to my heart and told me that we were supposed to remain in our current house. During that time I recited Proverbs 3:5 regularly to myself, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." Previously, I was convinced that God wanted us to live a minimalist lifestyle and yet here He was telling me to stay in my 3500 square foot home. But, I put my trust in Him and slowly He has shown me the plans He has for my life within this beautiful home. Looking back I think He intended to teach me that I could live anywhere as long as I lived with Him in my life - an amazing lesson! Now, I feel that He is showing me how to use my home for fellowship - yet another wonderful learning and growing opportunity.

So, how much is enough? I still don't have an answer. Perhaps for those of us living with abundance, our test is to hear God's voice and follow it; to trust Him when things don't make sense to us; and to use our financial resources to meet our human need for connections both with those close to us and with those beyond our reach. When we follow the will of God, the Father is in us!

Giving My Life to Christ

I am so excited to be writing this entry!  At this point in my life and journey my heart overflows with love for Jesus. Those who know me, know that I speak so passionately and with such enthusiasm of how the Lord transformed my life. I love to share the details of how I gave my life to the Lord, the small and big miracles He performed along this journey, and how He captured my heart forever.  
I've been praying for wisdom regarding when I should share the story - oh the glorious story - of how I became a follower of Jesus - and now feels like the right time.


So this is the story of that grace-filled moment ....


I was at rock-bottom (actually the second rock bottom). At the first rock-bottom I was hospitalized for 6-weeks in an attempt to get control over the depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. But, after 6-weeks I was discharged due to lack of improvement. I returned home still depressed, still anxious, not really suicidal, but severely over-medicated. I wanted happiness. I wanted to enjoy being with my kids and talking with my husband; I wanted to enjoy life. So I tried the only way I knew how. I became dependent on my closest friend and together we shopped, worked out, drank wine, camped and confided - by all worldly standards it seemed like a perfect recipe. Yet, still I felt empty, lost and alone. I became a burden to that one close friend; and in late-August after a family camping trip she told me she could no longer be my friend. I was devastated. Gone was my shopping partner, work out partner, wine partner and confidante. That night in a fit of anger and utter sadness I overdosed on my medications. I quickly lost consciousness, forcing my husband to call 911, and for me to be rushed by ambulance with lights and sirens. When I awoke the next morning, I realized that I had hit my second rock bottom.


Now God has the most incredible way of preparing the road that leads to Him. He so desperately wants us in His Kingdom that He will search for us, “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it?" (Luke 15:4). He will search for us, but we must take the leap of faith and fall into His arms. 


Looking back, these are the stepping stones God laid for me, so I could find my way home. First, during my initial hospitalization a sweet friend prayed with me and one part of that prayer struck the center of my heart. She spoke, "please God heal her, You know her better than anyone, for You created her". When we hear the truth, our hearts listen! Secondly, I needed that friendship I was so dependent on to break. It would take a long time for me to realize that truth, but there was simply no way I would reach out to God while I was still tied to that friend, so God through that friend broke the tie. Thirdly, the only radio station I could get on my alarm clock in my hospital room was the Christian station Praise 106.5, the more I listened, the more I believed. Fourth, each day on my way to various patient programs I would pass the "sacred room"and each day I glanced at it a little longer. Fifth, I knew I had a lot of people praying for me and that began to mean something to my heart. Finally, I felt a hole in my soul that nothing earthly could fill. My soul was crying out for its Creator.


So one evening I felt an unexplainable push to get out of my hospital bed and walk towards that sacred room. I sat down on a chair and for several minutes I was completely silent. I then said the Lords Prayer (which hung on my bedroom wall in my secular household) and then I began pouring my heart out to God. I told Him how much I needed Him, how I knew deep in my soul that He knew me for He created me, I admitted that I was a sinner and that I was so incredibly sorry for the choices I had made for they had brought me such pain, I told Him that I believed that Jesus Christ was His son and I thanked Him for sending Him into this world and for Him dying on the cross, I told Him that I wanted Jesus in my life forever and I wanted to learn His ways for living. I instantly felt the peace I had been searching for so desperately, "The Lord gives his people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace" (Psalms 29:11). I could hear the angles sing! "In just the same way, I tell you, there will be rejoicing among the angels of God over one sinner who repents." (Luke 15:10). I could feel myself being lifted onto my Savior's shoulders, "And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders" (Luke 15:5). I could feel my Father's embrace, "his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." (Luke 15:20). 


Those words were so beautiful to speak that evening, but the greatness of God is shown by the fact that I had never previously never picked up a Bible, no one told me what I should say when I was ready to give my life back to Christ nor did I Google what I should say. My heart simply knew exactly how to speak to its Creator!


When I started reading the Bible the significance of what I had spoken began to overwhelm me - I could only explain my words as being divinely-spoken. Passages such as the following confirmed that I had spoken exactly what God needed to hear:

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9)

 "If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved." (Romans 10:9-10) 

"Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God" (John 1:12) 

A part of me wishes I could end this post saying that from the moment Jesus entered my life I was healed; that I was no longer depressed or anxious, no longer withdrawn or exhausted, no longer in pain. But that was not the Lord's plan for me and Him. We had a valley to walk through together and a mountain to climb. The journey was long and at times treacherous, but it was never lonely once I had Jesus. He was my Friend, my Light, my Rock, my Teacher, my Shepherd, my Comforter and my Deliverer every step of the way.


Future posts will describe what I learned through my walk in the valley, how God gave me glimpses of my healing and His love and finally, the moment I felt as if I had reached the top of this mountain. I sometimes will ask myself, "where would I be if I hadn't given my life to Jesus?" and that is a very scary thought to ponder and I am very, very glad that I do not have to live that reality!


Glory be to God!

The Revealing of God's Heart

Recently I've been thinking about what I have learned about God through my journey so far. There are certain attributes of God that I feel I know better than others.  There are parts of His heart that have been revealed to me and others that will be revealed when He knows I am ready.

Through the Bible, God paints a beautiful portrait of Himself - He is Almighty, the Maker, the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit. He is Ruler, King and Lord. He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and everywhere. He is eternal, sovereign, constant, emotional, faithful, righteous, holy, jealous and loving. He is our creator, healer, and savior. He is the one and only God. To read these things and know they are true is a gift in and of itself, but when we walk a road and God reveals certain qualities of Himself to us personally, it is completely awesome!

Our journey with God is a lifetime journey of worship and intimacy. With each step there is a deepening understanding of each of His attributes. For it is our journey on this earth that prepares our hearts for the day He calls us home, so our hearts will know Him well. God always works for our good. In times of prosperity He reveals and develops our gratitude; in mediocrity, our contentment; in misfortune, our submission; in darkness, and at all times, our trust and obedience in Him. During each of those times we, as individuals, will connect to a different aspect of God.

Since I came to the Lord at such a dark and difficult time, I find that I feel most connected to Him when I feel lost, when I don't know what to do. Because Jesus has walked with me from such a dark and scary valley to the top of a mountain, I feel that my trust and obedience is most developed (but by no means perfected). God gave me so many examples of how He is all-powerful, all-knowing, constant, faithful, loving and healing. When I felt weak He showed my His strength. When I thought I knew better He showed me that He knew better. When I felt forgotten He showed me His consistency and faithfulness. When I felt worthless He showed me His love. When I felt untreatable he showed me His healing hands. Knowing the light God can bring to darkness when we simply trust and obey Him is such an incredible gift. And since this is how I first met Him, I am blessed that I will always be able to rely on this experience to bring forth that trust and obedience when I face new times of darkness or even when I face times of prosperity, mediocrity or misfortune.

I love that trust and obedience is how God first began grooming me for the Kingdom. I rarely will pray for something specific, but will always ask for "His will to be done". That simple line brings such contentment to my heart and soul; it relieves anxiety better than any medication. His will is always right, always good, always perfect - even if it makes no sense to me at the time.

I can now feel gratitude being cultivated. Oddly, it was somewhat of an uncomfortable transition to go from constantly praying for something to change - in any way God saw fit - to praising Him and thanking Him for the changes He chose to make in my life. I remember the day when I was writing in my prayer journal and I had nothing specific to ask of my Father, but could only give praise and gratitude to Him. I now see this path of writing as God further developing my gratitude. Giving me an outlet to share His greatness with others.

The most exciting part is that God has so many facets to His being, that with each day, with each celebration, each struggle, each everyday moment, each upset, each mountain and each valley I will grow closer to my God. My soul will feel a contentment that is only possible when it is touched by its Creator. 

Everyday I can ask God to reveal His heart to me!

Gold Stars

So who do you look to for gold stars, applause, affirmation?

I have to admit that I have a habit of wanting to collect "gold stars". I could probably put to use all those reward/consequence charts I create for my kids and use them for me! You see whenever I do something, such as clean the house, make lunch or dinner, grocery shop, get the Christmas cards out on time, make our family video, get the hot-lunch order in on time, make it to the gym and actually work out - I would really like a "gold star". I want my effort and sacrifice to be recognized, applauded, appreciated by someone - aka my husband. I am blessed to have married an amazing man and he does compliment me, encourage me and thank me. The reality is that I do these things because I either need to or I want to; so what are the roots of these "gold stars"?

Our sermon at church today was titled "Living Without the Applause". Our pastor reminded us that in Matthew 6, Jesus commands us to to do good deeds for the Father, not for earthly rewards or "gold stars" for those rewards will only be recognized here on earth. The things we do silently, anonymously for the glory of the Kingdom will be recognized and rewarded by the Father.  The Orthodox church identifies the 8th Deadly Sin as "vainglory" - the excessive pride in one's achievements. Having walked the road of depression and anxiety I can clearly see why it is identified as a deadly sin.

Looking back, my fall into the darkness of depression and anxiety was partly because of vainglory. I really only felt worthy when I was being complimented, rewarded, recognized, or singled-out. I needed the praise of others to sustain myself. My self-esteem had plummeted so low that I no longer could praise myself, so I became dependent on the praise of others. Having no relationship with Jesus, I was completely lost.

When my daughter was born everyone - my parents, relatives, my doctor, friends and even strangers - were telling me that I was a "natural" mom. Oh how those comments fueled me. However, when our son was born those comments simply did not come. Not getting the applause, the admiration made me feel like an incompetent mother-of-two. And since at that point my primary role was "mother", it was incredibly heartbreaking. My son was a challenging infant who cried for the greater part of two years and he was certainly a mischievous and busy toddler. During those years I filled my mind and heart with thoughts about how horrible of a mother I was. As my own self-worth as a mother deteriorated, it spread into others areas of my life until I felt like nothing but a failure.

Now it would be easy to say, "oh if only people would have encouraged me I would never have fallen into the darkness of mental illness". But I so fully believe in God's plan for me that I see that silence and eventual fall as the blessing that brought me to Jesus.

Learning to live for God and not for the applause has been part of the journey that Jesus and I have walked together as we climbed the mountain of healing. In my darkest hour, I came to the realization that I could no longer live for something I have no control over. I could not be dependent on the words and actions of others - for I could not control how others felt or acted. There were only two things I could depend on: myself and my God - and I could only depend on myself with the help of God. I could depend on our faithful Father. He never changes, His promises are always true, He is always in control. "Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands" (Deuteronomy 7:9).

I now view my life, and in particular my role as mother as a true gift from God. And therefore, I want to please Him, glorify Him, make Him smile. I no longer need to hear that I'm a great mom or I did something wonderful from family or friends because I hear it from my Father. When we do things pleasing to God, we grow closer to Him - one of the greatest rewards the Father could give us.

God tells me I am doing good works by filling me with a sense of satisfaction, allowing me another day to be mom to the beautiful children He created for me, and allowing me a new glimpse into who He is. And those gifts are better than any earthly reward or gold star!

So who are you looking to for those gold stars? Do those gold stars fulfill you? Is pleasing this world really worth all your effort?