We Are Moving

We are moving!

God has decided to uproot these four hearts and transplant them nearly two provinces over. We will be leaving everything that is familiar and landing in the completely unfamiliar. When we pull into our new hometown there will be no family close by, no grandparents to babysit and no friends to visit with. It means a new church, new schools, new doctors, new grocery stores, new hairdressers and new afterschool activities. It even means a new climate – a much, much colder climate!

This move is an answer to prayer; albeit a much different answer than I originally expected when I started praying.

I married a man who loves teaching woodshop. Amongst the machines, tools, drawings and sawdust is where his passion lies. Yet, for two years, I have watched his woodshop course load be arbitrarily cut in half. I have watched as he was told that his program has no value. I have watched as his ideas and visions were quickly dismissed. And finally, this year I watched as he learned through an e-mail memo that his program was completely cut from the school offerings.

With each storm my heart broke a little more. I prayed so hard for administrative eyes to be opened, for my husband to find joy in a different content area and for a new woodshop position to open up in the district. But, God was not answering those prayers.

The prayer He did answer though was when I asked Him to prepare my heart and mind for what He had planned. Yes, God got right to work on that prayer. 

Before I knew it, God had me encouraging my husband to look at positions outside my comfort zone. I told him I was willing to move anywhere in the country so he could have the opportunity to teach what he loved.

At first there appeared to be nothing that was the right fit for our family. God would shine lights in different areas, but quickly those lights would be extinguished.

We had now reached a point where we were not sure if my husband would even have a contract position in the fall if we were to stay with our current school district. That after thirteen years of working for the same school district on a continuing contract there was a good chance that he would be on the substitute teacher list. It seemed absolutely ludicrous, but it was the reality that we were facing.

Just when everything seemed so dire, when we felt so helpless, when the anger was beginning to swell that was when God revealed Himself once again.

God posted a full-time continuing (we couldn’t uproot our children for a temporary position), high school (oh how my husband wanted to be back in a high school after eleven years in a middle school) woodshop (yes, only woodshop – you just don’t see that in our part of the country) position in a good community (a town with some decent shopping, good schools and more than a 1000 people).

My husband was excited and I was so excited to see him finally excited. And I felt a peace that can only come from God.

As I looked at the qualifications next to my husband’s resume I had this feeling that God had literally taken that resume and rewrote it in the form of the qualifications list. I knew the moment the application was sent that we would be moving.

The posting closed on Thursday. The human resources director had a 45-minute phone discussion with my husband on Friday. There was a Skype interview on Monday. And the position was offered and accepted Tuesday evening. 

In a five-day whirlwind our lives changed and we were finally able to see what God could see all along. 

Our journey with Christ continues. 

Just Let Go

My blogging most certainly has gone through a drought season these past few months. It is hard to believe that it was January when I last posted! Back then I talked about my first day back in the classroom after a three-year absence – I shared everything from the anticipatory anxiety I experienced to the hope that comes with trusting Christ.  

Over these past four months, God has given our family both wonderful blessings and fierce trials; and yet, blogging those moments simply has not happened. I do, however, hope to share some of those moments soon.  

So here I sit at my computer screen once again.

I am hesitant to even write.

My heart is torn and my mind is confused.

As I write this post, I will probably feel like failure and sadness, hope and humility have all been bundled into a single parcel. But, I need to and, more importantly, want to share this piece of my journey. So here it goes …

At the beginning of this month, I came to the realization that the return-to-work plan was simply not going as so many of us had hoped and prayed. 

The amount of time I spent in the classroom had not increased over the four months. The fatigue was unbearable despite only being there two hours a week. The panic attacks had returned. The depression was seeping back into my life. As the depression worsened I would stay in bed all day, miss commitments I truly enjoyed, isolate myself from family and friends, sob uncontrollably and be incredibly irritable and frustrated.

The familiarity of this path scared me for I knew, all too well, the consequences of such pain. At first, I simply ignored the pain – praying that it would get better. Eventually it was pride that kept me returning to the school each week. I didn’t want to admit to myself or anyone else that I was failing this challenge. In the final weeks I went only because I didn’t know how to stop. 

But, throughout all the denial and fear I still constantly prayed. I knew I needed God’s guidance, help and strength. I needed to hear His clear and decisive voice. I needed to know how to avoid the darkness. I needed to know if I belonged in the classroom. I needed to know that if I were to leave the classroom I was doing so according to His will and not my fears.

Then one morning, as I called out to Him in prayer, I heard God speak. Ever so quietly and lovingly I heard Him say, “Just let go” - so simple, peaceful, merciful and sincere – just as James describes His voice and wisdom:

“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” (James 3:17)

As I allowed those simple words - “let go” - flow through me I experienced the peace that God promises,

 “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7)

Yes, I was finally filled with a peace that can only come from God.

Accepting the reality that I may never walk back into the classroom, as a teacher, has very been difficult. Being a teacher has been a huge part of my identity.  Even during these past three years, I would always refer to myself as a “teacher on leave”.

But, how I define myself is changing. And as Christ and I walk through this transition, it is the promise of Isaiah 41:10 that is being etched onto my heart:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

I may no longer be an elementary teacher, but I will be strengthened, helped and upheld by the righteous right hand of God! And that is an amazing promise!

I know that exiting the classroom was an act of obedience to God. I truly believe that the depression, panic attacks and fatigue were God’s way of saying that I was not in the center of His will. He showed me how painful life was going to be if I continued to let fear and pride direct my life rather than Him.

As I make this next transition all my trust is solely in Him. I don’t know what the future holds for me in terms of a career, but I do know that God’s timing and plans are perfect. Through prayer and scripture I will seek Him everyday knowing that, when the time is right, His tender voice will once again direct my steps.  Perhaps I will in fact return to the classroom as a teacher, perhaps I will return to the education system in a different capacity or perhaps I will be in an entirely different field; regardless of what eventually unfolds, I do find peace in knowing that God is preparing my path.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him." (1 Corinthians 2:9)

A Journey Back to the Classroom

Just under three years ago I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. I accepted the pain of my reality and with a broken and humble heart I decided to pause my teaching career. I knew I was no longer the teacher I needed to be or what my students deserved. The joy, I once felt from being with all those tender hearts, was no longer with me. I had become a textbook and worksheet teacher. I barked orders rather than guided growing minds. I was void of patience and love. And I knew that each and every one of those students deserved better. I deserved better. My family deserved better.

Thus, with my husband by my side and tears rolling down my cheek I asked my family doctor to put me on medical leave. For me, work was the last remaining realm of my life that said to the world, "I’m okay." It was the last layer of the mask that needed to be pulled away. With that decision I felt so vulnerable and exposed. With that medical note in my hand, it was an admission to myself, my family, my friends and my colleagues just how deep and debilitating that pain really was.

And so began a three year journey. A journey that was much, much longer than I ever expected. When I first asked for that leave I thought I would be out of the classroom for three to six weeks, but never three years.

For the past year I have played with the thought of slowly returning to teaching. Yet, my heart has been torn. Each time a return to work plan has been put in place I have become overwhelmed and paralyzed with fear – fear that I will fail, fear that I won’t feel the joy I once felt, fear that I will relapse, fear my family will be negatively affected, fear that perhaps teaching is not God’s plan for me.

But fear is the exact opposite of faith – isn’t it?

So this past Monday, I courageously put my faith in my Savior and entered the classroom for the first time in three years. It was not my own classroom, but rather a colleague’s grade-four classroom in another school. But, I was introduced as a teacher, not as a parent. I will be taking baby steps as I build up my stamina by simply being in the classroom and helping students for a couple of hours once a week. Slowly I will add more time and eventually more responsibility. My goal, God willing, is to be in my own classroom, once a week, by September.

On Monday, I was filled with so much anxiety that it physically hurt. True to habit, I puked on the drive there – sometimes anxiety just needs to come out! But, I got myself there. I walked into the school. I signed in and got my volunteer badge. I walked into the classroom. I was introduced to the students. Those steps appear so minor for they were once so mundane for me, but on Monday they were mountains and Jesus and I conquered them.

When I got into the classroom my nerves began to settle. God’s grace has placed the sweetest little boy in that classroom. His spirit shines, but academically he struggles with attention, reading and writing. This boy and I have already become friends as I read with him, scribe for him and redirect his attention – already I have a purpose within those four walls. God is good!

I planned to stay one hour and forty-five minutes – until recess started – and I made it! I was exhausted beyond words (this coming from someone who expects to be exhausted) and my head was pounding when I left. But, I did it!

This incredible journey, that has Christ by my side, is continuing – all the way back into the classroom.

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)

Servanthood

James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ (James 1:1)

As I have been praying and talking with God these past weeks I have been begging and pleading for God to lift the burden of the fatigue and the depression; which all too often accompanies the fatigue. From my point-of-view this seemed like a reasonable request. I could give God a mile long list of all the good I could do for His Kingdom if only I had energy.

And yet, God continually said “no”. He was responding to my relentless begging and pleading with the command “write”. And I kept responding with the reply, “but I’m too tried”. Every time I would sit at my computer to write a post the fatigue would flood me and I couldn’t even get a coherent first sentence typed, I had stopped journaling because the thought of putting my thoughts on paper was too overwhelming, even typing out an e-mail response seemed like too much.

Disobedience, from my perspective, seemed utterly justified. If God would just give me the energy I would write anything and everything that He wanted. But, I was not going to do it utterly exhausted.

God and I could have easily stayed stuck in this dance – this tango. It would have been so easy to label God’s “no” as unjust and unfair – to turn away from Him.

But instead I began to feel God’s presence even stronger. He was speaking to me in yet another way – albeit a slightly odd way.

I kept having this strange image run through my mind. Every so often this image of a new-recruit enduring boot camp would come forth. And each time the new-recruit would be telling the general how to do things. Now, the fact that I was having any thought or image of the army was proof enough for me that God was at work. Although I completely appreciate and respect those who serve our country, I have very little interest in the structure and routines of the armed forces. I cannot tell you the difference between a general, commanding officer or lieutenant – my husband could tell you (in great detail), but not me. So, what was God trying to tell me?

As I was driving and praying for relief from the fatigue that same image popped into my mind along with James 1:1. Looking back, I now see that for God to get through my thick head I needed prayer, an image and scripture! It was in that moment, stopped at a red light, that it finally dawned on me – I was relegating God to the role of new-recruit and I was proudly taking the role of general. And as I spoke that realization aloud I could clearly hear God say, “finally!”

It tuned my thinking upside down – which is exactly what Kingdom living does to you. I was remembering that I am a servant of God and our Lord Jesus Christ. Thus, if the Creator of heaven and earth knows that I can write and live through this constant fatigue, how can I say no? How can I say that I know better?

So now, each morning, I wake and pray the promise of God’s Word into my heart, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).  I remember that His promises are true.

When Jesus taught His disciples to pray He was only two verses in when He made it clear whose will is to be done, “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:9-10). And in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus pleading with the Father says, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42).

In a single moment my prayers changed and in doing so my heart was realigned to the Father’s perfect will. I remembered my role of servant.

I found rest on the promise and goodness of His word.

All My Hope is in You

 

Tired. Exhausted. Fatigued. Sleepy. Worn Out. Lethargic. Weary.

Those words are hardly new to me for I have carried them on my back for so very long.

Long before the depression and anxiety railroaded me. Long before my medication list became a cocktail. Long before I hit rock bottom. Those words have been dragging me down.

I wake each morning tired. I go through my day tired. I lie down for a nap tired and wake each afternoon tired. I play with my kids tired. I cook dinner tired. I talk with my husband tired. I go to bed tired.

No it never goes away. With rest I can take the painful edge off, but I never feel awake or energized. It is always a burden.

There have been moments were this cloud of tiredness has lifted – and oh what glorious moments they have been. But they are not sustained.

I have had to learn to live amidst this fog. I could not expect to stay in bed all day and heal my life, so I have done my best. The vast majority of people I interact with each day would never suspect the burden I carry. 

Long ago, my doctor promised me that, “she would not leave me here”, that we would solve the fatigue problem in time, but I would have to be patient. I would have to be weaned off the high dosages of my medications. I would have to navigate the world of difficult therapies. But in time, we would address the fatigue.

Well the time has come. My medications are drastically reduced. I have climbed mountains, with the help of my therapist, which I thought were impossible.

But, still the fatigue has remained.

We are now running a battery of tests. My stubborn and slow-pumping veins had 10-minutes of blood drawn from them this morning. I’m so desperate for an answer that I want something, anything to show up. But I know the chances are slim, for all of these tests have already been performed in the past and come back normal. 

So what now?

I have put my hope in medication.

I have put my hope in therapy.

I have put my hope in blood work.

I have put my hope in time. 

I have put my hope in doctors. 

I now feel hopeless. 

But when I return to my praying knees I am reminded that my hope has been in the wrong place. I need to fully surrender to my God. I am realizing that splitting my hope between God and something earthly is not working. I need to stop grasping and fall into His loving arms. I need to let Him carry me.

I must put all my hope in the Healer for He, alone, has the answers.

I need to remember “The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him” (Lamentations 3:25).

I will seek Him.

At this time when I feel so discouraged I will remember that my Heavenly Father delights to keep His word. I will remember the promise of Deuteronomy 31:8 “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged”

I will not be afraid. I will not be discouraged.   

“Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord their God.” (Psalms 146:5)

No matter what happens, no matter what healing looks like I will remember that I am completely blessed. For I have a relationship with my Creator. That He loved me so much that He gave me Jesus.

And it is there that my hope lies – at the foot of the Cross. For if Jesus could carry the cross for me, I will carry this burden until the Father chooses to take it from me. Yes, in comparison, my burden is so very light.

Thank you Jesus.

I Asked God

I love when the Internet provides an unexpected gem. I stumbled across this poem during one of my searches and I just love it. Without a doubt it speaks to me. It gives me a glimpse of God’s perfect love. There are times when it is easy to feel forgotten when our prayers are not answered the way we want them answered. This poem helps to remind me of the love that exists when God’s answer is “No”.

I Asked God

I asked God to take away my pride.
God said, "No. It is not for me to take away,
but for you to give it up."

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, "No. Her spirit is whole,
her body is only temporary."

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, "No. Patience is a by-product of tribulations;
it isn’t granted, it is earned."

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, "No. I give you blessings,
happiness is up to you."

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, "No. Suffering draws you apart
from worldly cares and brings you closer to me."

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, "No. You must grow on your own,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful."

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, "No. I will give you life
so that you may enjoy all things."

I asked God to help me LOVE others,
as much as God loves me.

God said..."Ahhhh...
Finally you have the idea!"    

-Author unknown

Again, I must say, I simply love it! If for no other reason than I have so often prayed for those very things. And yet God says no because He loves me. He loves me so much that He wants me as close to Him as possible and He will not give me things that draw me away from Him and His plans for me.

Pride is what allows me to think that I deserve something better than the Father’s will. When I forget God has great plans for me I begin to complain that my earthly body is simply not good enough and I forget His eternal plan. I am drawn away from God when I clench my fists rather than open my hands to the grace and blessings He pours out. When I name certain things curses and trials I cut myself off from the loving embrace of my Heavenly Father. God gave me a free will and it is that free will that decides how much I will grow spiritually; how often I pick up my Bible, bow my head in prayer and open my eyes to God’s beautiful creation. Wanting and desiring things in hopes of having the good life blinds me to the incredible fact that God gave me life- and that is simply more than enough!

And as this poem reminds me, God, true to His Word, will help me to love others as God loves me; for to love in that manner is simply impossible for me to do alone. To love as God loves me requires me to be loving, forgiving and compassionate, to not see others faults or pass judgment and I must be willing to make myself vulnerable to be hurt again and again – just as Jesus did as He walked the earth. And I can only do that if I surrender and completely abide in Christ for He is the vine that sustains me – and to this God says, “Yes”.

I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:1-5)

An Unexpected Gift

Time certainly flies. I’ve wanted to write this post for over a week now, but the days simply kept getting away from me. So, finally I have found the time to write about the awesome day that I was baptized in the name of The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. – a day when our Heavenly Father presented me with yet another unexpected gift.

Leading up to my baptism I really didn’t know what to expect. I knew that through baptism I was making the choice as an adult to publicly proclaim my decision to be a follower of Jesus. I viewed the day as an act of obedience to God. It was a “step” along my journey that would show God, my friends and my family just how tightly Jesus had captured my heart. But, it proved to be so much more. And isn’t that the way it so often is with God? When we obediently follow His plan we are given so much more than we could ever have imagined.

The day began so beautifully. Loving friends of ours joined us at our church so they could spend the entire day with us- making the day feel that much more special and significant. After the service we headed out to the lake for our church BBQ and that was where the nerves began to get to me. All of a sudden it seemed like a lot of people to be sharing my testimony in front of. I started to second guess what I should say and how long I should even speak. But then a dear friend reminded me that this was my day with God; so simply share what I feel he has put on my heart.

When it came time to share our reasons for being baptized and our journey thus far with Jesus the nerves began to double up. As I listened to each testimony I also prayed. I asked God to just allow the Holy Spirit to share what needed to be shared – to let me be His hands and feet and to give me the courage to speak what He wanted spoken. So, I shared my testimony as fully as I could; trying my very best to describe the loving stepping-stones God placed at my feet that led my heart and soul home to Him. I was the last speaker and the only “new” Christian. I followed several youth whom had been born into Christian homes and were taking the public step of baptism to show their desire to live out the faith their parents had gifted them with. Comparatively, my testimony was so much longer, my path so much windier. But, my testimony also has the awesome power of showing the greatness of God. It is able to show how He is truly at work in this world searching for His lost sheep. It shows how anyone willing to accept the gift of the gospel can truly be transformed.

Once I was finished sharing my testimony, our Pastor prayed for me and asked my friends and family to lay their hands upon me. For me this was one of the greatest moments. It brought back painful memories of how in my darkest moment I felt completely alone and abandoned; I felt as if I had no one to call a friend. But because of the love and faithfulness and greatness of our God the hands of ten different families placed their hands upon me! Yes, since accepting Jesus into my life I have been blessed with some of the most wonderful friendships – all of which are with God-loving people. What can I say? God is awesome!

We then moved towards the lake and it was then that I got to experience the greatest of all the moments. As our pastor laid me back into the water and then lifted me up I was filled with a joy that is pretty much indescribable. It was completely euphoric! I can honestly say that I did not expect such an overwhelming feeling.  I expected to feel good, to feel complete, to feel happy. But that feeling of euphoria was a complete and unexpected gift from God. It was as if the joy of God was sent directly through my body. And the truth of the matter is that it indeed was His joy that was shining through me. For the Holy Spirit, which is within me, has emotions - one of which is joy. For Luke writes, “At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit” (Luke 10:21) and so, like Jesus, it was the joy of the Holy Spirit that filled me. I could completely sense that God was beaming as He looked down upon me that day. I love that the video recording so beautifully captures the joy the filled me.

I had so much trouble falling asleep that night. That joy was still pumping through my veins long past when I typically would be sound asleep. I could hear God saying to me, “Let’s just enjoy this day a little longer and remember those incredible moments together a few more times.” So that night I drifted off to sleep with all the wonderful images of the day passing through my mind and my Savior close beside me smiling.

What follows is the testimony I shared with those in attendance at the lake. It is not my complete testimony, but it shares what I refer to as the “stepping-stones” the led me to Jesus. So if you were not there that day, here is what I spoke (more or less):

I was not raised in a Christian home. It was a definitely a journey that would bring me to Jesus and to this very moment. God and I met at a point in my life where I was simply “craving more”. I was craving more of something, but I just couldn’t identify what “it” was. I thought perhaps I could find it through shoes, clothes, wine, friends, adventures or toys, but honestly nothing was filling that craving and the hole seemed to be getting bigger.

Eventually, I found myself in the hospital and it was there that God began to lay the stepping-stones that would lead me to His arms. As I look back these are some of the stepping-stones He lovingly laid along my path:

First, while visiting me in the hospital my friend, Julie, prayed with me and one sentence struck the center of my heart. She spoke, "Please God heal her. You know her better than anyone, for You created her". Now I was not really open to God at this point and definitely did not see Him as a Healer, but when we hear the truth, our hearts listen! Secondly, God painfully ended a friendship that I had become so dependent upon. God knew that I would not go to Him if that friend remained in my life. It would take a long time for me to realize that truth, but there was simply no way I would reach out to God while I was still tied to that friend. Thirdly, the only radio station I could get in my hospital room was Praise 106.5, and the more I listened, the more I believed. And I’m pretty sure they played, “Jesus Saves” three times and hour. And because God loves details, “Jesus Saves” was the first song we sang when we came to our church. Fourth, each day as I wandered the halls of the hospital I would pass the "sacred room" and each day I glanced at it a little longer. Fifth, I knew I had a lot of people praying for me and that began to mean something to my heart. Finally, I began to realize that the craving for more was not going to be found on this earth. My soul was simply crying out for its Creator.

So one evening I felt an unexplainable push to get out of my hospital bed and walk towards that “sacred room”. I sat down on a chair and for several minutes I was completely silent. I then spoke the Lords Prayer (which hung on my bedroom wall in my secular household – a gift from a neighbor) and then I began pouring my heart out to God. I told Him how much I needed Him, how I knew deep in my soul that He knew me for He created me, I admitted that I was a sinner and that I was so incredibly sorry for the choices I had made for they had brought me such pain, I told Him that I believed that Jesus Christ was His Son and I thanked Him for sending Him into this world and for Him dying on the cross, I told Him that I wanted Jesus in my life forever and I wanted to learn His ways for living.

And the truth God speaks in His Bible filled me. I instantly felt the peace I had been searching for so desperately (Psalms 29:11). I’m pretty certain I could hear the angles sing! (Luke 15:10). I could feel myself being lifted onto my Savior's shoulders (Luke 15:5). I could feel my Heavenly Father's embrace (Luke 15:20). 

The words I spoke that evening were so special, but the greatness of God is shown by the fact that I had previously never picked up a Bible, no one told me what I should say when I was ready to give my life back to Christ nor did I Google what I should say. My heart simply knew exactly how to speak to its Creator!

When I started reading the Bible, the significance of what I had spoken began to overwhelm me - I could only explain my words as being divinely given.

I still faced many of the health issues that caused me to enter the hospital. Jesus and I had a valley to walk and a mountain to climb and at times it was treacherous, but from that evening forth I truly knew that I was never alone. I now had Jesus and He would prove to be my Friend, my Light, my Rock, my Teacher, my Shepherd, my Comforter and my Deliverer every step of the way.

It has now been almost two years since I spoke those words. And the transformation God has worked in my life is simply amazing. He has brought into my life the most incredible and knowledgeable doctors. He has filled my life with God-loving women as friends. He has given me patience beyond my wildest dreams. He has filled me with hope. But most of all He has given me Him – His constant, never changing, always loving, grace-filled love. I now crave my Savior and He is always my perfect Portion.   

Baptism Tomorrow

Right now I am giddy with excitement. You see tomorrow I get baptized. I actually get to partake in a ritual that Jesus, himself, took part in! And that is feeling pretty humbling and exciting right now.

Think about it. Jesus, who was sinless from birth, was baptized. He had no sin to wash away – he didn’t need a re-birth – but He acted out of obedience for our Father, “it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness” (Matthew 3:15). He set the perfect example for all of us to follow.

Tomorrow I get to follow in His footsteps and make a public declaration of my faith before God and my family and friends. It is an outward symbol of the commitment that is already in my heart.

I know that when I professed to God my belief in His Son and accepted Jesus into my heart I was saved. But, this baptism is my public statement of obedience. I am saying that I will obediently follow God’s plan for my life – and that I am, and always will be, a follower of Jesus.

“When someone becomes a Christian he becomes a brand new person inside. The old life has passed away and a new life has begun!” (2 Corinthians 5:17). Oh how the truth of that passage will never stop amazing me. The work that our Father has done within me is simply astounding – only Jesus could create such a transformation!

As the Apostle Paul writes in Romans 6:4, “We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.”  So tomorrow will be filled with the symbolism of my old-self dying and the rising of this new life I get to live because of Jesus’ sacrifice and resurrection – amazing grace!

I honestly cannot wait to be immersed into the lake and brought out. I love that is a lake – a beautiful creation by our Creator. I can’t wait to feel so completely close to God.

Growing Roots

As I look back on my faith journey I am in awe of the many different ways God has cultivated my faith. He has used His word, blessings, trials, mountaintops, miracles, prayer, voice, friendships and so many other ways to grow the roots of my faith.

And once again, the Gardner is at work. He is pouring His blessing over me as He encourages and calls me to actually live my faith – to live Christ-like.

You see, despite my better judgment I got involved with the PAC at my daughter’s school by heading the Dress Code Committee. I naively thought that it would be a simple process – but it has been anything but simple. We have ended up needing a mediator – yes a mediator – to help the Executive and Committee navigate the world of polo shorts, cargo pants, leggings, and the colour of tights and socks!

There have been many moments that I have wanted to just throw my hands up and walk away. For goodness sake, it is just clothes!!! But every time I have tried to do just that, God has told me “no”. He has reminded me of integrity. He has reminded me of the importance of finishing what I have started. He has reminded me that I need to lean on Him.

Trust me, as I have prayed I have asked God if I’m hearing Him right. This just doesn’t seem big enough to be a “God issue”. It is a public school where a bunch of privileged parents are haggling over minute details of their child’s uniform – there has to be better and greater things that God needs to deal with!

Then God spoke very clearly to me. He told me that this is actually about ME and not the uniform being debated. Wow! He instantly put Matthew 5:16 on my heart, “In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” Hmmm …. How God’s Word can make something so murky become so clear.

You see, a part of me wanted to be right at any cost! But, God showed me in one verse that being right was not my goal nor the measure of my success. Nope, God wants me to glorify Him in all I do. I am to live and walk my faith.

Our amazing Gardner has been weeding my garden of the hostility, the anger, the despair, the frustration and the hurt so my light can shine before others for His Glory. As He tends my garden He is opening my blind eyes and deaf ears so the fruits of the spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control - can grow.

Yes, God is challenging me to grow! He uses the trials, whatever they are on this Earth, to grow us in our faith. To make us more Christ-like each and every day.

Philippians 4:4-16 is the perfect passage of God’s expectations of my conduct for the meeting tonight.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. (Yes my reasonableness; not my stubbornness, not my anger, not my frustrations) The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (Yes I need to pray before, during, and after this meeting. God wants to be there with me).  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Oh what an amazing promise!)

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Without a doubt there will be negative things to dwell on, but God wants me to see beyond the darkness and focus on the honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable and excellent. I will rise to His challenge!) What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. (Oh how I crave to feel the God of peace near me.)

God’s love and grace has shown me that I am not at the meeting because a uniform policy is of great, worldly importance, but rather, this is an opportunity to feel and live my renewed self. This is my chance to shine for all the great works God has done within me. It is my chance to rise above hostility and remember that “a fools mouth lashes out with pride, but the lips of the wise protect them” (Proverbs 13:17) and that, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24). 

There are certainly moments when I think that this challenge is too great - the I will just fall to the level that all the others are conducting themselves, but it is then that I will be constantly praying and reminding myself that "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). 

Yes God has placed me at this meeting, not because of a uniform, but rather to help the roots of my faith grasp the incredible soil that He has planted me in.

Following God's Plan: "Speaking"

For a while now I have been feeling that God is about to stretch me beyond my comfort zone in regards to my testimony and writing. My prayer journal is full of prayers asking God to give me glimpse of His plans and that if I can’t have a glimpse if He could just make sure my eyes and heart are open wide so that I can clearly see His will and plans.

A lot of my prayers focused on my fear that I would miss or be blinded to God’s plans for me. So I began anxiously searching. Yes in my crazy, human mind I thought I could find a clue, a hint of what God wanted me to do next. And then God whispered to me “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalms 46:10).

Such a loving and gentle reminder of who really is in control. It was a reminder that when the time is right God will place doorways, not barriers, along the path for me to walk through. Yes, I needed to remind myself of my favorite Proverbs, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

So for several weeks now I’ve been sitting still and waiting for God’s plans to unfold. And of course, since, for some reason, I love to be anxious, I began to worry that I may be too afraid to walk through the door that was being prepared for me. Honestly, only the Creator of the universe can have enough patience to deal with my constant anxiety! So again, He guided me to His word and reminded me that He “gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7). So I waited and clung to God’s word and promises.

Then Monday evening our children’s pastor called me and thanks to the power of call-display I knew instantly that this was the doorway God had planned for me. As we spoke, she asked me if I was willing to share testimony about our church and children’s ministry with our congregation on Mother’s Day. Trust me, 2 Timothy 1:7 was being repeated over and over in my mind.

Now, not surprisingly though, the devil got right to work planting the seeds of anxiety and doubt in my mind. Within seconds he had me convinced that I could never speak in front of that many people. He was quickly reminding me that I have a social anxiety diagnosis for a reason. He was convincing me that I would simply make a fool of myself and that I would do nothing but mumble and babble. He was loudly telling me that I had nothing important or worthy to share. Oh how I wanted to say “no”

But I am obedient to God. I knew instantly that speaking about our church was part of His great plan for me. And once I submitted to His will and said, “yes” I could so clearly see the stepping stones God had placed to get me to this point - I could see His loving hands at work.

These are the stepping-stones that God used to make my path straight:

·      For about 2 months I have had a feeling that I was going to be stretched (my Heavenly Father loved me enough to not just spring it on me!)

·      During that time I have been hearing God gently reminding me that at the very beginning of my blogging journey He told me to, “Speak and Write”

·      When I became anxious and impatient His voice and word comforted me

·      A week ago I mentioned to my doctor that I suffer the most when I forget that my voice has power either through speech or writing (it is so awesome when an off-comment all of a sudden makes sense)

·      My last post about our church was exactly what I was being asked to speak about. (Interestingly, I wrote three different posts that day, but when I finished that one I could feel God saying, “post this one”)

·      Yes my Heavenly Father knows that writing is how I best gather my thoughts and since He knew from the very beginning the plans He had for me, He helped me write before He had me speak. (And I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to write that post without the pressure of knowing that I would also be speaking it)

Yes God through His love, voice and word has brought me to this doorway that I will walk through on Sunday morning. He is stretching me, but not breaking me - I am only speaking for five minutes about a church that I love, and have already written about, before the amazing people that make up our congregation. (Thankfully, He did not choose to plunk me down in an auditorium of thousands for a spontaneous question and answer period!)

So on Saturday night when the nerves and anxiety increase – if for no other reason than my humanity – I will draw upon the power and love of the Spirit that fills me. I will remind myself that, “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

I pray that, within five minutes, I will be able to glorify God and the church that He so loves and that my love for Jesus will shine so very brightly.

I can’t wait to write the update post!