Servanthood

James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ (James 1:1)

As I have been praying and talking with God these past weeks I have been begging and pleading for God to lift the burden of the fatigue and the depression; which all too often accompanies the fatigue. From my point-of-view this seemed like a reasonable request. I could give God a mile long list of all the good I could do for His Kingdom if only I had energy.

And yet, God continually said “no”. He was responding to my relentless begging and pleading with the command “write”. And I kept responding with the reply, “but I’m too tried”. Every time I would sit at my computer to write a post the fatigue would flood me and I couldn’t even get a coherent first sentence typed, I had stopped journaling because the thought of putting my thoughts on paper was too overwhelming, even typing out an e-mail response seemed like too much.

Disobedience, from my perspective, seemed utterly justified. If God would just give me the energy I would write anything and everything that He wanted. But, I was not going to do it utterly exhausted.

God and I could have easily stayed stuck in this dance – this tango. It would have been so easy to label God’s “no” as unjust and unfair – to turn away from Him.

But instead I began to feel God’s presence even stronger. He was speaking to me in yet another way – albeit a slightly odd way.

I kept having this strange image run through my mind. Every so often this image of a new-recruit enduring boot camp would come forth. And each time the new-recruit would be telling the general how to do things. Now, the fact that I was having any thought or image of the army was proof enough for me that God was at work. Although I completely appreciate and respect those who serve our country, I have very little interest in the structure and routines of the armed forces. I cannot tell you the difference between a general, commanding officer or lieutenant – my husband could tell you (in great detail), but not me. So, what was God trying to tell me?

As I was driving and praying for relief from the fatigue that same image popped into my mind along with James 1:1. Looking back, I now see that for God to get through my thick head I needed prayer, an image and scripture! It was in that moment, stopped at a red light, that it finally dawned on me – I was relegating God to the role of new-recruit and I was proudly taking the role of general. And as I spoke that realization aloud I could clearly hear God say, “finally!”

It tuned my thinking upside down – which is exactly what Kingdom living does to you. I was remembering that I am a servant of God and our Lord Jesus Christ. Thus, if the Creator of heaven and earth knows that I can write and live through this constant fatigue, how can I say no? How can I say that I know better?

So now, each morning, I wake and pray the promise of God’s Word into my heart, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).  I remember that His promises are true.

When Jesus taught His disciples to pray He was only two verses in when He made it clear whose will is to be done, “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:9-10). And in the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus pleading with the Father says, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42).

In a single moment my prayers changed and in doing so my heart was realigned to the Father’s perfect will. I remembered my role of servant.

I found rest on the promise and goodness of His word.

All My Hope is in You

 

Tired. Exhausted. Fatigued. Sleepy. Worn Out. Lethargic. Weary.

Those words are hardly new to me for I have carried them on my back for so very long.

Long before the depression and anxiety railroaded me. Long before my medication list became a cocktail. Long before I hit rock bottom. Those words have been dragging me down.

I wake each morning tired. I go through my day tired. I lie down for a nap tired and wake each afternoon tired. I play with my kids tired. I cook dinner tired. I talk with my husband tired. I go to bed tired.

No it never goes away. With rest I can take the painful edge off, but I never feel awake or energized. It is always a burden.

There have been moments were this cloud of tiredness has lifted – and oh what glorious moments they have been. But they are not sustained.

I have had to learn to live amidst this fog. I could not expect to stay in bed all day and heal my life, so I have done my best. The vast majority of people I interact with each day would never suspect the burden I carry. 

Long ago, my doctor promised me that, “she would not leave me here”, that we would solve the fatigue problem in time, but I would have to be patient. I would have to be weaned off the high dosages of my medications. I would have to navigate the world of difficult therapies. But in time, we would address the fatigue.

Well the time has come. My medications are drastically reduced. I have climbed mountains, with the help of my therapist, which I thought were impossible.

But, still the fatigue has remained.

We are now running a battery of tests. My stubborn and slow-pumping veins had 10-minutes of blood drawn from them this morning. I’m so desperate for an answer that I want something, anything to show up. But I know the chances are slim, for all of these tests have already been performed in the past and come back normal. 

So what now?

I have put my hope in medication.

I have put my hope in therapy.

I have put my hope in blood work.

I have put my hope in time. 

I have put my hope in doctors. 

I now feel hopeless. 

But when I return to my praying knees I am reminded that my hope has been in the wrong place. I need to fully surrender to my God. I am realizing that splitting my hope between God and something earthly is not working. I need to stop grasping and fall into His loving arms. I need to let Him carry me.

I must put all my hope in the Healer for He, alone, has the answers.

I need to remember “The LORD is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him” (Lamentations 3:25).

I will seek Him.

At this time when I feel so discouraged I will remember that my Heavenly Father delights to keep His word. I will remember the promise of Deuteronomy 31:8 “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged”

I will not be afraid. I will not be discouraged.   

“Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord their God.” (Psalms 146:5)

No matter what happens, no matter what healing looks like I will remember that I am completely blessed. For I have a relationship with my Creator. That He loved me so much that He gave me Jesus.

And it is there that my hope lies – at the foot of the Cross. For if Jesus could carry the cross for me, I will carry this burden until the Father chooses to take it from me. Yes, in comparison, my burden is so very light.

Thank you Jesus.

I Asked God

I love when the Internet provides an unexpected gem. I stumbled across this poem during one of my searches and I just love it. Without a doubt it speaks to me. It gives me a glimpse of God’s perfect love. There are times when it is easy to feel forgotten when our prayers are not answered the way we want them answered. This poem helps to remind me of the love that exists when God’s answer is “No”.

I Asked God

I asked God to take away my pride.
God said, "No. It is not for me to take away,
but for you to give it up."

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, "No. Her spirit is whole,
her body is only temporary."

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, "No. Patience is a by-product of tribulations;
it isn’t granted, it is earned."

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, "No. I give you blessings,
happiness is up to you."

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, "No. Suffering draws you apart
from worldly cares and brings you closer to me."

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, "No. You must grow on your own,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful."

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, "No. I will give you life
so that you may enjoy all things."

I asked God to help me LOVE others,
as much as God loves me.

God said..."Ahhhh...
Finally you have the idea!"    

-Author unknown

Again, I must say, I simply love it! If for no other reason than I have so often prayed for those very things. And yet God says no because He loves me. He loves me so much that He wants me as close to Him as possible and He will not give me things that draw me away from Him and His plans for me.

Pride is what allows me to think that I deserve something better than the Father’s will. When I forget God has great plans for me I begin to complain that my earthly body is simply not good enough and I forget His eternal plan. I am drawn away from God when I clench my fists rather than open my hands to the grace and blessings He pours out. When I name certain things curses and trials I cut myself off from the loving embrace of my Heavenly Father. God gave me a free will and it is that free will that decides how much I will grow spiritually; how often I pick up my Bible, bow my head in prayer and open my eyes to God’s beautiful creation. Wanting and desiring things in hopes of having the good life blinds me to the incredible fact that God gave me life- and that is simply more than enough!

And as this poem reminds me, God, true to His Word, will help me to love others as God loves me; for to love in that manner is simply impossible for me to do alone. To love as God loves me requires me to be loving, forgiving and compassionate, to not see others faults or pass judgment and I must be willing to make myself vulnerable to be hurt again and again – just as Jesus did as He walked the earth. And I can only do that if I surrender and completely abide in Christ for He is the vine that sustains me – and to this God says, “Yes”.

I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:1-5)

An Unexpected Gift

Time certainly flies. I’ve wanted to write this post for over a week now, but the days simply kept getting away from me. So, finally I have found the time to write about the awesome day that I was baptized in the name of The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. – a day when our Heavenly Father presented me with yet another unexpected gift.

Leading up to my baptism I really didn’t know what to expect. I knew that through baptism I was making the choice as an adult to publicly proclaim my decision to be a follower of Jesus. I viewed the day as an act of obedience to God. It was a “step” along my journey that would show God, my friends and my family just how tightly Jesus had captured my heart. But, it proved to be so much more. And isn’t that the way it so often is with God? When we obediently follow His plan we are given so much more than we could ever have imagined.

The day began so beautifully. Loving friends of ours joined us at our church so they could spend the entire day with us- making the day feel that much more special and significant. After the service we headed out to the lake for our church BBQ and that was where the nerves began to get to me. All of a sudden it seemed like a lot of people to be sharing my testimony in front of. I started to second guess what I should say and how long I should even speak. But then a dear friend reminded me that this was my day with God; so simply share what I feel he has put on my heart.

When it came time to share our reasons for being baptized and our journey thus far with Jesus the nerves began to double up. As I listened to each testimony I also prayed. I asked God to just allow the Holy Spirit to share what needed to be shared – to let me be His hands and feet and to give me the courage to speak what He wanted spoken. So, I shared my testimony as fully as I could; trying my very best to describe the loving stepping-stones God placed at my feet that led my heart and soul home to Him. I was the last speaker and the only “new” Christian. I followed several youth whom had been born into Christian homes and were taking the public step of baptism to show their desire to live out the faith their parents had gifted them with. Comparatively, my testimony was so much longer, my path so much windier. But, my testimony also has the awesome power of showing the greatness of God. It is able to show how He is truly at work in this world searching for His lost sheep. It shows how anyone willing to accept the gift of the gospel can truly be transformed.

Once I was finished sharing my testimony, our Pastor prayed for me and asked my friends and family to lay their hands upon me. For me this was one of the greatest moments. It brought back painful memories of how in my darkest moment I felt completely alone and abandoned; I felt as if I had no one to call a friend. But because of the love and faithfulness and greatness of our God the hands of ten different families placed their hands upon me! Yes, since accepting Jesus into my life I have been blessed with some of the most wonderful friendships – all of which are with God-loving people. What can I say? God is awesome!

We then moved towards the lake and it was then that I got to experience the greatest of all the moments. As our pastor laid me back into the water and then lifted me up I was filled with a joy that is pretty much indescribable. It was completely euphoric! I can honestly say that I did not expect such an overwhelming feeling.  I expected to feel good, to feel complete, to feel happy. But that feeling of euphoria was a complete and unexpected gift from God. It was as if the joy of God was sent directly through my body. And the truth of the matter is that it indeed was His joy that was shining through me. For the Holy Spirit, which is within me, has emotions - one of which is joy. For Luke writes, “At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit” (Luke 10:21) and so, like Jesus, it was the joy of the Holy Spirit that filled me. I could completely sense that God was beaming as He looked down upon me that day. I love that the video recording so beautifully captures the joy the filled me.

I had so much trouble falling asleep that night. That joy was still pumping through my veins long past when I typically would be sound asleep. I could hear God saying to me, “Let’s just enjoy this day a little longer and remember those incredible moments together a few more times.” So that night I drifted off to sleep with all the wonderful images of the day passing through my mind and my Savior close beside me smiling.

What follows is the testimony I shared with those in attendance at the lake. It is not my complete testimony, but it shares what I refer to as the “stepping-stones” the led me to Jesus. So if you were not there that day, here is what I spoke (more or less):

I was not raised in a Christian home. It was a definitely a journey that would bring me to Jesus and to this very moment. God and I met at a point in my life where I was simply “craving more”. I was craving more of something, but I just couldn’t identify what “it” was. I thought perhaps I could find it through shoes, clothes, wine, friends, adventures or toys, but honestly nothing was filling that craving and the hole seemed to be getting bigger.

Eventually, I found myself in the hospital and it was there that God began to lay the stepping-stones that would lead me to His arms. As I look back these are some of the stepping-stones He lovingly laid along my path:

First, while visiting me in the hospital my friend, Julie, prayed with me and one sentence struck the center of my heart. She spoke, "Please God heal her. You know her better than anyone, for You created her". Now I was not really open to God at this point and definitely did not see Him as a Healer, but when we hear the truth, our hearts listen! Secondly, God painfully ended a friendship that I had become so dependent upon. God knew that I would not go to Him if that friend remained in my life. It would take a long time for me to realize that truth, but there was simply no way I would reach out to God while I was still tied to that friend. Thirdly, the only radio station I could get in my hospital room was Praise 106.5, and the more I listened, the more I believed. And I’m pretty sure they played, “Jesus Saves” three times and hour. And because God loves details, “Jesus Saves” was the first song we sang when we came to our church. Fourth, each day as I wandered the halls of the hospital I would pass the "sacred room" and each day I glanced at it a little longer. Fifth, I knew I had a lot of people praying for me and that began to mean something to my heart. Finally, I began to realize that the craving for more was not going to be found on this earth. My soul was simply crying out for its Creator.

So one evening I felt an unexplainable push to get out of my hospital bed and walk towards that “sacred room”. I sat down on a chair and for several minutes I was completely silent. I then spoke the Lords Prayer (which hung on my bedroom wall in my secular household – a gift from a neighbor) and then I began pouring my heart out to God. I told Him how much I needed Him, how I knew deep in my soul that He knew me for He created me, I admitted that I was a sinner and that I was so incredibly sorry for the choices I had made for they had brought me such pain, I told Him that I believed that Jesus Christ was His Son and I thanked Him for sending Him into this world and for Him dying on the cross, I told Him that I wanted Jesus in my life forever and I wanted to learn His ways for living.

And the truth God speaks in His Bible filled me. I instantly felt the peace I had been searching for so desperately (Psalms 29:11). I’m pretty certain I could hear the angles sing! (Luke 15:10). I could feel myself being lifted onto my Savior's shoulders (Luke 15:5). I could feel my Heavenly Father's embrace (Luke 15:20). 

The words I spoke that evening were so special, but the greatness of God is shown by the fact that I had previously never picked up a Bible, no one told me what I should say when I was ready to give my life back to Christ nor did I Google what I should say. My heart simply knew exactly how to speak to its Creator!

When I started reading the Bible, the significance of what I had spoken began to overwhelm me - I could only explain my words as being divinely given.

I still faced many of the health issues that caused me to enter the hospital. Jesus and I had a valley to walk and a mountain to climb and at times it was treacherous, but from that evening forth I truly knew that I was never alone. I now had Jesus and He would prove to be my Friend, my Light, my Rock, my Teacher, my Shepherd, my Comforter and my Deliverer every step of the way.

It has now been almost two years since I spoke those words. And the transformation God has worked in my life is simply amazing. He has brought into my life the most incredible and knowledgeable doctors. He has filled my life with God-loving women as friends. He has given me patience beyond my wildest dreams. He has filled me with hope. But most of all He has given me Him – His constant, never changing, always loving, grace-filled love. I now crave my Savior and He is always my perfect Portion.   

Baptism Tomorrow

Right now I am giddy with excitement. You see tomorrow I get baptized. I actually get to partake in a ritual that Jesus, himself, took part in! And that is feeling pretty humbling and exciting right now.

Think about it. Jesus, who was sinless from birth, was baptized. He had no sin to wash away – he didn’t need a re-birth – but He acted out of obedience for our Father, “it is proper for us to do this to fulfill all righteousness” (Matthew 3:15). He set the perfect example for all of us to follow.

Tomorrow I get to follow in His footsteps and make a public declaration of my faith before God and my family and friends. It is an outward symbol of the commitment that is already in my heart.

I know that when I professed to God my belief in His Son and accepted Jesus into my heart I was saved. But, this baptism is my public statement of obedience. I am saying that I will obediently follow God’s plan for my life – and that I am, and always will be, a follower of Jesus.

“When someone becomes a Christian he becomes a brand new person inside. The old life has passed away and a new life has begun!” (2 Corinthians 5:17). Oh how the truth of that passage will never stop amazing me. The work that our Father has done within me is simply astounding – only Jesus could create such a transformation!

As the Apostle Paul writes in Romans 6:4, “We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.”  So tomorrow will be filled with the symbolism of my old-self dying and the rising of this new life I get to live because of Jesus’ sacrifice and resurrection – amazing grace!

I honestly cannot wait to be immersed into the lake and brought out. I love that is a lake – a beautiful creation by our Creator. I can’t wait to feel so completely close to God.

Growing Roots

As I look back on my faith journey I am in awe of the many different ways God has cultivated my faith. He has used His word, blessings, trials, mountaintops, miracles, prayer, voice, friendships and so many other ways to grow the roots of my faith.

And once again, the Gardner is at work. He is pouring His blessing over me as He encourages and calls me to actually live my faith – to live Christ-like.

You see, despite my better judgment I got involved with the PAC at my daughter’s school by heading the Dress Code Committee. I naively thought that it would be a simple process – but it has been anything but simple. We have ended up needing a mediator – yes a mediator – to help the Executive and Committee navigate the world of polo shorts, cargo pants, leggings, and the colour of tights and socks!

There have been many moments that I have wanted to just throw my hands up and walk away. For goodness sake, it is just clothes!!! But every time I have tried to do just that, God has told me “no”. He has reminded me of integrity. He has reminded me of the importance of finishing what I have started. He has reminded me that I need to lean on Him.

Trust me, as I have prayed I have asked God if I’m hearing Him right. This just doesn’t seem big enough to be a “God issue”. It is a public school where a bunch of privileged parents are haggling over minute details of their child’s uniform – there has to be better and greater things that God needs to deal with!

Then God spoke very clearly to me. He told me that this is actually about ME and not the uniform being debated. Wow! He instantly put Matthew 5:16 on my heart, “In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” Hmmm …. How God’s Word can make something so murky become so clear.

You see, a part of me wanted to be right at any cost! But, God showed me in one verse that being right was not my goal nor the measure of my success. Nope, God wants me to glorify Him in all I do. I am to live and walk my faith.

Our amazing Gardner has been weeding my garden of the hostility, the anger, the despair, the frustration and the hurt so my light can shine before others for His Glory. As He tends my garden He is opening my blind eyes and deaf ears so the fruits of the spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control - can grow.

Yes, God is challenging me to grow! He uses the trials, whatever they are on this Earth, to grow us in our faith. To make us more Christ-like each and every day.

Philippians 4:4-16 is the perfect passage of God’s expectations of my conduct for the meeting tonight.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. (Yes my reasonableness; not my stubbornness, not my anger, not my frustrations) The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (Yes I need to pray before, during, and after this meeting. God wants to be there with me).  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Oh what an amazing promise!)

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Without a doubt there will be negative things to dwell on, but God wants me to see beyond the darkness and focus on the honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable and excellent. I will rise to His challenge!) What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. (Oh how I crave to feel the God of peace near me.)

God’s love and grace has shown me that I am not at the meeting because a uniform policy is of great, worldly importance, but rather, this is an opportunity to feel and live my renewed self. This is my chance to shine for all the great works God has done within me. It is my chance to rise above hostility and remember that “a fools mouth lashes out with pride, but the lips of the wise protect them” (Proverbs 13:17) and that, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24). 

There are certainly moments when I think that this challenge is too great - the I will just fall to the level that all the others are conducting themselves, but it is then that I will be constantly praying and reminding myself that "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). 

Yes God has placed me at this meeting, not because of a uniform, but rather to help the roots of my faith grasp the incredible soil that He has planted me in.

Following God's Plan: "Speaking"

For a while now I have been feeling that God is about to stretch me beyond my comfort zone in regards to my testimony and writing. My prayer journal is full of prayers asking God to give me glimpse of His plans and that if I can’t have a glimpse if He could just make sure my eyes and heart are open wide so that I can clearly see His will and plans.

A lot of my prayers focused on my fear that I would miss or be blinded to God’s plans for me. So I began anxiously searching. Yes in my crazy, human mind I thought I could find a clue, a hint of what God wanted me to do next. And then God whispered to me “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalms 46:10).

Such a loving and gentle reminder of who really is in control. It was a reminder that when the time is right God will place doorways, not barriers, along the path for me to walk through. Yes, I needed to remind myself of my favorite Proverbs, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

So for several weeks now I’ve been sitting still and waiting for God’s plans to unfold. And of course, since, for some reason, I love to be anxious, I began to worry that I may be too afraid to walk through the door that was being prepared for me. Honestly, only the Creator of the universe can have enough patience to deal with my constant anxiety! So again, He guided me to His word and reminded me that He “gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:7). So I waited and clung to God’s word and promises.

Then Monday evening our children’s pastor called me and thanks to the power of call-display I knew instantly that this was the doorway God had planned for me. As we spoke, she asked me if I was willing to share testimony about our church and children’s ministry with our congregation on Mother’s Day. Trust me, 2 Timothy 1:7 was being repeated over and over in my mind.

Now, not surprisingly though, the devil got right to work planting the seeds of anxiety and doubt in my mind. Within seconds he had me convinced that I could never speak in front of that many people. He was quickly reminding me that I have a social anxiety diagnosis for a reason. He was convincing me that I would simply make a fool of myself and that I would do nothing but mumble and babble. He was loudly telling me that I had nothing important or worthy to share. Oh how I wanted to say “no”

But I am obedient to God. I knew instantly that speaking about our church was part of His great plan for me. And once I submitted to His will and said, “yes” I could so clearly see the stepping stones God had placed to get me to this point - I could see His loving hands at work.

These are the stepping-stones that God used to make my path straight:

·      For about 2 months I have had a feeling that I was going to be stretched (my Heavenly Father loved me enough to not just spring it on me!)

·      During that time I have been hearing God gently reminding me that at the very beginning of my blogging journey He told me to, “Speak and Write”

·      When I became anxious and impatient His voice and word comforted me

·      A week ago I mentioned to my doctor that I suffer the most when I forget that my voice has power either through speech or writing (it is so awesome when an off-comment all of a sudden makes sense)

·      My last post about our church was exactly what I was being asked to speak about. (Interestingly, I wrote three different posts that day, but when I finished that one I could feel God saying, “post this one”)

·      Yes my Heavenly Father knows that writing is how I best gather my thoughts and since He knew from the very beginning the plans He had for me, He helped me write before He had me speak. (And I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to write that post without the pressure of knowing that I would also be speaking it)

Yes God through His love, voice and word has brought me to this doorway that I will walk through on Sunday morning. He is stretching me, but not breaking me - I am only speaking for five minutes about a church that I love, and have already written about, before the amazing people that make up our congregation. (Thankfully, He did not choose to plunk me down in an auditorium of thousands for a spontaneous question and answer period!)

So on Saturday night when the nerves and anxiety increase – if for no other reason than my humanity – I will draw upon the power and love of the Spirit that fills me. I will remind myself that, “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).

I pray that, within five minutes, I will be able to glorify God and the church that He so loves and that my love for Jesus will shine so very brightly.

I can’t wait to write the update post!

Our Church

Today at church our pastor mentioned two interesting statistics. The first was, 7 out of 10 Canadians believe that Jesus is the Son of God, that He died on the cross for our sins and was raised from the grave. I must say I was a bit shocked that the number was even that high. The second statistic was that only 2 out 10 Canadians regularly attend church. That number simply saddened me. It got me thinking about my journey to our amazing church.

Once I accepted Jesus into my life and opened my Bible I became more and more convicted that, once I was discharged from the psych ward, we needed to find a church that we could commit to and grow with. So I began praying. I asked our Heavenly Father to guide me to the church that He knew was best for our family. I prayed for a church that supported families and welcomed children and that it would be a  “healthy church”. I put “healthy church” in quotes because I had no idea what that meant or why I was praying for it – it was simply put onto my lips. So there I was waiting and listening for God to show me the way to the church He had planned for me.

A few days later I was talking with my nurse, a nurse that was only assigned to me twice during twelve-weeks of hospitalization, and I just happened to mention that I was looking for a family-friendly church. She began to tell me that she was attending a church close to my home that had a wonderful children’s program. So, I tucked that information into the back of my mind and kept my heart open to other possibilities (in our community there is pretty much a church on every corner!). But nothing else was really coming forth. On the Sunday after I was discharged, my husband and I were debating between two churches – the one mentioned by the nurse and another that a friend attended. We decided to try the nurse’s recommendation.

Now I will say that for new-believers walking into a new church is an incredibly scary and overwhelming process. You feel as if you are wearing a giant “N” around your neck. You feel like everyone around you knows everything and you know nothing. You feel completely and utterly out of place. However, the moment I walked through the door of our church I was filled with such an incredible sense of peace – I instantly felt at home – I was where God wanted me.

We were greeted by one of the children’s pastors whose love for Jesus shines so brightly. She helped make all four of us feel so comfortable. When we walked into the sanctuary seeing that the two back rows were reserved for “families with young children”, I further relaxed – at least they recognized that my kids probably were going to fidget and squirm, which helped lower my anxiety. When the worship team began singing, each song was one I had repeatedly heard on the radio station (the only radio station) I could get while I was in the hospital. During the break between worship and the sermon our children went into their Sunday school classes like fish to water and we got to enjoy a free specialty drink from the coffee bar (something so simple, but honestly when you know no one, waiting for a coffee makes you feel a little less lost). Then the sermon began and the series was titled “The Emotionally Healthy Christian”. When I heard that title my jaw literally dropped! God, without a doubt, wanted me in this church. And finally when we picked the kids up from Sunday school our daughter looked at me and said, “This church actually taught me about Jesus!” well that sealed the deal – we had found our home church in just one Sunday.

Now it took a process until we felt completely relaxed and at home. But with time and God’s love and grace we have become completely relaxed. We have moved from the back row to the third row, center. Our kids know the routine and the expectations and are respectful during the worship time. We have been blessed with so many friends that my heart overflows with love.  My son and I know exactly where we will be on a Tuesday morning – Mom and Me playgroup. Receiving an e-mail to RSVP for Parent’s-Night-Off – a free evening of childcare – is always exciting and appreciated. I love supporting our Women’s Ministry, which brings all generations of women together to support and learn from each other. Over the past two years we have been part of two different home small-groups that have allowed us to grow as Christians. I love each sermon, and yes I eagerly take notes, loving and drinking up everything I learn about God, His love and His plans.  

God without a doubt answered my prayer quickly and faithfully because He wants me to be in fellowship with other believers. I need others to help me grow in my faith. Though we are individuals, we still belong to one another. So in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.” (Romans 12:5).

God blessed me by opening my eyes, ears and heart to our church. He blessed me by not letting my anxiety stop me from entering our church He blessed me by turning off all the excuses the world gives us for why church just won’t work for our busy lives. Yes I am blessed that I am one of the 2 in 10 Canadians that attends church.

Psalm 23 - yes God you have my attention!

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord

forever.

Okay there are times in our life when the same message keeps repeating itself over and over to the point that we have no choice but to stop and listen. On four different occasions over the past two weeks psalms 23 has been brought to me and I have been left thinking that this is far more than a coincidence, this is absolutely God speaking to me. This psalm has been lovingly gift-wrapped by our incredible Father and delivered to me by Him, as a gift to help and guide me through this difficult time of relapse. He is showing me the power and truth of His Living Word.

First, after my last post, a faithful and dear friend messaged me and quoted psalm 23 as a prayer for me. Praying that I would find comfort from His staff, be led to still waters and that He would refresh my soul. Secondly, during my psychiatrist’s appointment, she looked at me as said “you know the psalm with ‘He will lead me to still waters’ – right now I’m seeing the image of a golden stream.” Yep, I got goose bumps! Thirdly, every so often our church holds a Saturday night event of extended worship called “The Well”. When I arrived we received a sheet of paper to help guide our meditation. Want to guess which passage of scripture was written on that sheet of paper? Yep, psalm 23!!! I think it was by the grace of God I didn’t faint right then and there.  So here I was on a Saturday night, “drinking from God’s Well” and meditating and applying Psalm 23 to my life. At this point I had no doubt that God was clearly and loudly telling me “FOCUS ON PSALM 23!!” Finally, as I spoke with a mom at our church’s mom’s group, she began to tell me that she would be teaching the preschool Sunday school group some new songs at the end of April based on PSALM 23!

So four different times, four different people, yet always the same passage. God definitely had my attention.

But, what exactly was God trying to tell me through this psalm?

Just before the long weekend my doctor called to check in with me. As we spoke I explained that my mood was about the same, but the fatigue seemed to be getting worse and I was becoming extremely frustrated. She then said something incredibly important. She reminded me that I could not become consumed with anger or fear. I paused and let that sink in. I could honestly respond that I was not angry. I was not angry with God, myself, my kids or even the whole situation. This was a very good sign for me, since at the beginning of my journey, anger was a very dominating and destructive emotion.

However, when I thought about fear, I realized I had a much different answer. I was becoming consumed by fear. I’m so afraid that I will not get better. I’m afraid of the “damage” I’m causing my kids and my relationship with them. I’m afraid of how much my husband can really handle. I’m afraid of the decisions that will have to be made regarding work if I don’t improve by September. I’m afraid of how I will work once I return should a relapse happen at that point. I'm afraid of the burden I'm putting on my mom. I'm afraid of how friends will react. I’m afraid that God is showing and telling me the way to healing, but I’m blind and deaf to His words. I’m completely afraid of this valley.

When I think about all of those fears, Psalm 23 begins to make a whole lot of sense.  Each line puts light on what seems to be a dark valley.

My LORD knows all of my needs and He will provide me with every thing I need for my journey on this Earth. I always describe my dark days as valleys, but perhaps I need to begin to see beyond the shadows and look out at the beautiful and fruitful green pastures that exist. Also, realizing that “He makes me lie down” is so important. Perhaps the fatigue is God’s loving way of saying “rest” to a stubborn soul. And of course only He can restore my soul. I need to drink from His well – His golden stream. He is my all in all. Yes He knows the path and the plans He has for me and they are for good. The path may be challenging, but I walk it because of His great love. Despite all the fears I have been able to conjure up, the truth is my God is walking with me. I am never alone. He has angels protecting me. I do not need to fear evil, for my God can and will deliver me from it. My enemies at this point are depression and fatigue, but God even in their presence sits me down and allows me to rest. And yes my cup overflows. I can still see all of the blessings He has poured into my cup – my husband, our children, our moms, our friends and most of all the gift of Jesus. God is always willing to pour out His mercy and grace on me, despite all my earthly flaws. He will never forget me. My life will be marked by His love, goodness and presence. He holds my future. And yes, one day I too will rise, like my Savior, and dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

It has been a week of reading and rereading and meditating on psalm 23. I can truthfully say that my mood is improving in leaps and bounds and the fatigue is relinquishing its hold on me. This valley has truly taught me the power of the Bible and my need not only to read it, but also to apply it and to live it. His Word needs to be tucked in my heart for it is such an incredible source of strength and healing. God has once again shown me His bottomless love – though the lessons may hurt, the growth is always worth it. Yes, the LORD is my Shepherd.

Trust in the Lord With All Your Heart

For those that read this blog and know the power of prayer, I humbly ask for your prayers tonight.

To say it has been a tough week is an understatement. The truth is the depression and fatigue have returned – oh how I hate even uttering that truth (or in this case typing it). It plain and simply sucks! It is certainly not to the depths that I have experienced in my darkest moments, but it is tough nevertheless.

I was so determined that this would not happen. I honestly and faithfully believed that I could control this from happening – that if I stayed close to God, filled my heart and mind with His Word, stayed connected to the many friends God has brought into my life and held my dear family close, I would avoid this stumble. But as so many know, there is simply no plan or formula for avoiding difficult times. Sometimes we simply have to walk the path that God knows is best.

So today I cling to the cross with empty hands. I have nothing to bring but my complete faith in Jesus (which is all God ever wants from me). At the cross I kneel begging God to work His way through me. Knowing that His promise to never leave me nor forsake me is absolutely true.

Right now I am reminded of the first time I felt that God had forgotten me. When I was left asking, “Really God?”

I had been making mediocre progress, at best, during my second hospital stay. I was under the care of a psychiatrist whose bedside manner left something to be desired and I was so over-medicated that I constantly felt that I had attended some drunken frat party the night before.

On this particular day, my assigned psychiatrist came into my room and said that I was being stubborn and not allowing the medications to do their job. From my point-of-view, complacently swallowing the pills was my part of the bargain, but she obviously saw things differently. She told me that since I was making no progress and was “untreatable” she was discharging me from the hospital.

I lost it, at least the best that my inebriated-self could, and begged not to be discharged. She told me her decision was made and that she would be filling in the paperwork. I called my amazing husband who immediately left work and met with the head of psychiatry and tried so hard to get me readmitted. Courtesy of a good deal of red tape he was unsuccessful, but we were told, on the side, to return in a couple of days when a different psychiatrist was on-call and have me readmitted then.

So we packed up my room, received my long list of prescriptions to fill at the local pharmacy and left the ward in a state of shock and frustration. We drove to the local supermarket to fill the prescriptions and then walked across the parking lot to have lunch.

As we walked, I spoke to God in anger (albeit silent anger). My rant went something along the lines of, “Really God! This is what I get for putting my faith in You!!!! You know this isn’t right. How can I trust You! I may have felt You that night when I asked You into my life, but where are You now??? I give up!!!” As we entered the restaurant, I let go of my rant and began to look over the menu.

And then God showed His amazing love and grace with the ring of a cell phone. When I picked up the phone I heard the voice that pretty much could have been an angel! On the other end was a psychiatrist my family doctor and I were desperately trying to get into contact with. As she spoke and listened to me, I was literally in awe of the contrast - her voice, tone, approach and concern was in stark contrast to the wrath I experienced from the other doctor just hours earlier. This psychiatrist was literally the answer to my prayers.

When I hung up I was sitting outside the restaurant and I looked up and said aloud, “You are so good!” That moment gave me a lasting memory that even when things make no sense to me, God is working His plan for my life. I learned in that moment that I do not need to understand everything, have control over everything or even know what waits around the next corner. I can simply “trust the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding” (Proverbs 3:6). For the Lord’s plans are greater than mine.

You see this doctor would not take me on unless I was an outpatient, so when she asked me if I was still in the hospital I could honestly answer “no”, something I could not have said had that cell phone rang only 2 hours before. God’s love was shown through the anger and hurtful words of that doctor as she made the radical decision to discharge a suicidal patient. It made no sense to any of us at the time, but it was God’s will.

This amazing psychiatrist initially agreed to see me for a two-appointment assessment, which I was completely grateful for. However, we both felt a deep connection during those two appointments, and she agreed to see me weekly if I was willing to make the 90-minute commute each way to see her. I have never missed an appointment in 18-months and I have always driven with a grateful heart! My initial assessment of her proved to be so accurate, she has been nothing short of a God-blessing. A blessing that showed me God’s love, mercy, grace and greatness. When I look back on my journey I count this as Miracle #2 (#1 is the steps I took to let Jesus into my life)

How awesome is it that we pray to a God where we can let off a rant like I did and yet He still executes His plans with love.

So tonight as I live the reality of a depressed mood and an aching fatigue I cling to His truths and all the ways He has shown me His love during this journey. I wait with anticipation to see His plans unfold.

Newton's Third Law

Newton’s Third Law of Physics states, “That for every action there will be an equal and opposite reaction” and right now I am feeling that this law is not only applicable to the physical world, but also to the emotional world.

You see, we just got back two days ago from a family vacation to San Diego. I had the most wonderful time learning about God’s amazing creations at Sea World and the San Diego Zoo, laughing and screaming on the rides at Legoland and Knott’s Berry Farm, speeding around go-cart tracks, appreciating my freedom as we toured the USS Midway and simply relishing in the quality time we got to spend as a family. There were many times during the nine days were I simply thanked God for my life; that I am alive to experience such precious moments with my husband and children. For nine days I felt as if I was walking on air. There were no beds to make, no meals to cook, no errands to run. All I had to do was enjoy myself – to feel the joy, appreciation and gratitude that filled each moment and oh how I rose to that challenge.

Today, however, I feel that my emotions have entered into that “equal and opposite” zone. My mood has been so low it hurts. I have spent the day curled up in bed hoping the hours will just pass quickly. I have felt detached and unmotivated. I have felt the complete opposite of what I felt two days ago.

The difficult part is that this seems to have become a pattern. For the past three years I go through the same slump after our family vacations. It is as if my body needs a depressed episode to regulate itself or find its equilibrium.  I could add another diagnosis to my medical chart: post-vacation depression!

This year, I was so optimistic that the pattern would not repeat, but unfortunately it has. However, I can feel a difference in how I am approaching these unwanted feelings. For one, after learning at the zoo how God created each animal so uniquely and with such love, Matthew 6:26 resonates with my heart, “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Yes I believe the truth of that passage! God will take care of me if I allow myself to follow Him. Also, the incredible period of wellness that I experienced prior to the vacation has given me the ability to trust the ebb and flow of emotions.

Okay, I just need to share this bit, because I think it is pretty cool …….

Before I started writing I was lying in bed and praying for God to show me the right direction, the way to a better tomorrow when I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to blog. Now my first thought was, “I’m not blogging when I feel lousy and anyways I’m way too tired and exhausted to blog.” ….. So, I got up and put a loaf of cinnamon raisin bread in the bread maker so it would be ready when I wake up (hey! warm carbs in the morning seemed like a much better and more sensible pick-me-up than writing!) But even after I measured out all the ingredients and programmed the timer, I still had that nagging feeling to blog. Now, my walk through the valley and up the mountainside has taught me to listen to that nagging. And so, as you know since you are reading this, I actually blogged and guess what?! My mood is lifting!!! Yes, God loves me more than the birds in the sky. He knows that my heart and mind heal through writing and that is where He led me – all I had to do was listen and act. 

Oh how I love an answered prayer! 

The Healing Hands of God!

HEALING – for so many days of my journey through mental illness I truly believed that healing was impossible - an elusive and impossible dream. For over two years, I put my hope in medications, therapy models and eventually God. As I noted in a previous post, running into God’s widespread open arms that wonderful evening brought me peace, but it did not bring me the healing my family, friends, doctors and I so desperately desired. My depression and anxiety remained severe and the chronic fatigue was almost unbearable. At times I could feel the veil of the depression and anxiety slowly lift; but the fatigue was so relentless that I couldn’t fully experience the shift in my mood. At times I gave up hope of ever being healed and would ask God to show me a way to live with the burden. But God knew the plans that He had for me from the very beginning and on December 14^th, 2011 He revealed His greatness, His love, His healing hands to me.

What follows is a copy of a message I sent out to some close-friends on January 3, 2011. This message was so exciting to share. It is a message filled with hope, faith and love for my amazing God!

God’s Healing Hands

As we left 2011 behind I got to look back on the year and see healing. 2010 brought me to Christ, the greatest gift I ever received, but 2011 allowed me to feel His healing hands holding me and working through me each day.
As most of you know, severe and chronic fatigue has been the most debilitating part of my illness and from the very beginning I have said that it felt like the root cause of the depression and anxiety; if only we could find a way to cure the fatigue, the depression and anxiety would also cease was my gut-feeling. However, I now know that I was slightly off in my diagnosis - not having Christ as my center, my guide, my Shepherd was the root cause of my illnesses. Yet simply running to His open arms that wonderful September evening was not going to be my cure, He had greater plans for Him and me. God has always had a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11), and I can now see that depression, anxiety and fatigue were part of His plan.
For one, those illnesses made me realize my need for a Savior, they also made me reevaluate my priorities, and they made me deal with parts of my past that I so wanted to keep buried. And of course each illness will have touched and shaped my life in a way only God can see and He will reveal those ways to me when the time is right. As a dear friend wrote a few months ago, “He sees the benefit, even when all I see is the brokenness.”
Over the past year, I have slowly felt the veil of depression and anxiety lift. It has been a slow lifting - and at times so frustratingly slow and often it felt like a lifting and then a re-veiling. I have felt so lost and confused - I have racked my brain wondering, what am I even depressed and anxious about? I have exactly what I have always wanted - a relationship with my Creator, a loving and devoted husband, beautiful and healthy children, an otherwise healthy body, a career that I love and comforts that go well beyond my needs - how could I possibly be depressed when I have so much and others are surviving on so much less and facing so many more hardships. But, I now know, God works in His own sovereign ways.
As the depression and anxiety lifted somewhat, the fatigue remained. And there were so many times when I was left begging God to just let me feel rested, to feel awake enough to appreciate the peace and joy He was bringing back to my life. But, like so many others I felt like God was not hearing me, not listening to me, simply forgetting about me - oh how Satan loves to fill our minds with doubts. However, on my stronger days - which thankfully there were more of - my faith and my hope in God rose above my despair and I remained faithful through prayer.
My prayer was always the same - “God please in Your perfect timing and in Your perfect way give me the energy to live the life that You have planned for me.” And on Dec 14, God answered that prayer. Since Dec. 14, I have not needed a nap. I have felt no pull to lie down, to rest, to sleep. The incredible contrast between Dec. 13 and Dec. 14 is so amazing that only the hands of God could create something so miraculous. I continue to be on 5 medications in which fatigue is listed as the primary side effect and yet I am no longer tired, no longer drained.
For the past two years, I have had to nap every afternoon for at least two hours and often after getting myself ready and Alexis off to school I have needed an hour nap in the morning, so this transformation is simply a miracle.
To sit down after putting the kids to bed and still feel like I have energy goes beyond anything I could have conceptualized or imagined, it goes beyond what I even prayed for. This morning as I was going through my personal Bible study, I came across this passage in Ephesians 3:20, “Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.” How incredible it is that God would lead me to that passage after I just wrote the previous sentence! This healing is more than I could have dreamed of, imagined or even prayed for.
The greatness of our God is so often shown in how He answers our prayers. When He says “yes”, He does so in a way that He cannot be missed by those who know Him. In my case, the transformation was so dramatic that credit could not be given to a new medication, the hands of doctors, some new food or supplement, a new exercise routine - no the change, the gift, could only be caused by the One that created this world, the only One capable of miracles. Glory to God!
I can honestly say that I am reveling in God’s greatness and His love. Each afternoon where I have read my children books, played games, had a tea party, painted nails with my daughter, put together puzzles, cuddled as a family while watching a movie, constructed Lego, played a family game of Wii, talked with my husband, soaked in the hot tub or even cleaned a room, I have praised our Lord. “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” (Psalms 30:11), yes indeed I have been clothed in joy these past weeks.
For everyone who has prayed for my family and me these past years, thank you. "And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up (James 5:15). I am so grateful for this chapter. I do not know what lies ahead - whether the depression, anxiety or fatigue will return in the enormity that I once felt it or if it is finally behind me or somewhere in between - but, I do find such comfort in knowing that I will not be walking alone - God will always be walking with me, will always be listening.

“But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

God has worked a multitude of miracles in my life since I made the decision to put my Faith and Hope in Him. God led me to share this "big one" first, but He was working equally important miracles every step of my journey. Future posts will show these smaller miracles. It is a series of posts I am so excited to be writing!